Migrants stuck in hopeless situation at EU border in Bosnia : who is to blame?

I've just read an article entitled Refugees stuck in hopeless situation at EU border in Bosnia and I am wondering what the Bangladeshis and Pakistanis are doing there. When did they become refugees? How do we define "refugees"? According to the Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, a refugee is a person who flees to a foreign country or power to escape danger or prosecution. But what kind of danger or prosecution are they trying to escape from? As far as I know, they are only leaving their own countries to look for a better life in other countries. So I consulted the American Heritage Dictionary to get a better definition of this word. According to the American Heritage Dictionary, a refugee is one who flees in search of refuge, as in times of war, political oppression, or religious persecution. The question is - are these people at the EU border in Bosnia fleeing from war, political oppression or religious persecution? If they are merely looking for jobs and better living conditions, then "migrants" is a better word for them.

Migrants from Africa, Asia, and the Middle East who are looking for better lives in the EU are stuck in Bosnia-Herzegovina after being pushed back by the Croatian police. It is now winter and they are freezing in the cold weather due to lack of facilities. When a fire broke out in the Lipa Camp, believed to have been started by the migrants themselves, their living conditions deteriorated further. Wrapping themselves in blankets and sleeping bags and surviving on meagre food parcels, their conditions are said to be alarming. A migrant from Pakistan, Kasim, said, "We are living like animals. Even animals are living better than us! If they do not help us, we will die." Who invited them to the EU border? Nobody but themselves. Why burn the camp when they need shelter and create problems for others? To rebuild the Lipa Camp, the EU has been kind enough to allocate an additional £3.5 million to Bosnia and Herzegovina so that these migrants would not be left without shelter during the winter.

To get to the EU border in Bosnia is not cheap as each of these migrants has to pay 7000 euros to the smugglers to get them there. It seems that human smuggling is in great demand today and the smugglers are really making big bucks out of this trade. But why take so much trouble to reach the Bosnia camps and "live like animals"? If the migrants can afford to pay 7000 euros to the smugglers, why not make good use of the money and start a business in their own countries? In this way, they can also contribute towards their countries' progress and economic growth. No, they won't die. All they have to do is to go back to their countries of origin and stop making trouble for the EU especially during the coronavirus pandemic when every country is having its own problems.

What will the EU do to help migrants stranded in Bosnia waiting to cross the border into Croatia? In actual fact, the EU has done a lot for the migrants already and it is unfair to say that they are not doing enough for these people. Despite these hard times, the EU has allocated around £85.5 million to Bosnia to help the migrants at the Bosnian camps even though they are not EU citizens. And £85.5 million is a lot of money to spend on the migrants at a time when the citizens of the EU countries are suffering because of the pandemic. To be fair, this significant amount of money should be paid by the migrants' countries of origin and NOT the EU. Why should the EU support these migrants? The EU taxpayers' money should be spent on the EU taxpayers and not migrants from other countries. 

It should be noted that the EU is not a dumping ground for refugees and migrants. They have their limits and the world cannot expect them to take in everyone who wishes to achieve their EU dream. Perhaps the EU should stop supporting the migrants and see what happens next. These migrants are smart people - they will flee immediately when there is no food and shelter so there is no need to worry about them. They won't die. If they cannot enter the EU, they will find a new target, perhaps the US or Canada this time. For years, the Bangladeshis and Pakistanis have been targeting Malaysia. Ever since Malaysia began to curb foreign workers and the influx of illegal immigrants, the EU has become their new target! That is why there are so many of them at the EU border in Bosnia now.

I am writing this article because I really feel sad for the EU countries as they are struggling with a surge of Covid-19 cases and the situation is getting worse. As of today, the number of confirmed covid cases in Germany increased by 18,678 to 2.04M and its death toll rose by 980 to 47,121. France's covid toll has passed 70,000 with the number of confirmed covid cases increased by 21,406 to 2.89M. Italy's toll has already passed 80,000 with the number of confirmed cases increased by 15,446 to 2.37M. As recession deepens, triggered by the coronavirus pandemic, the EU countries are being burdened with the migrants. How sad! With so many people dying, out of work, and homeless during this pandemic, the EU's priority should be their own citizens and not migrants from other countries who are taking advantage of their generosity. Perhaps it is time for countries like China, Korea, Japan, as well as the rich Gulf countries to share the burden of the global refugee / migrant crisis.

Should the large influx of migrants into the EU countries be encouraged? Throughout the years, the EU has been taking in lots of refugees and because of that, migrants who want better living conditions also take this opportunity to seek asylum in the more affluent EU countries. What will happen if the EU starts taking in all the migrants at its borders? Needless to say, this will certainly lead to a mass exodus of millions of migrants with their families to the EU. If one million migrants make it to the EU, another million will follow and this will continue indefinitely.  When this happens, the EU will have to deal with population explosion as these people are breeding at high speed. What will become of the EU following a mass exodus of the migrants? Can anyone imagine Paris turning into a Bangladesh City or Frankfurt turning into a Pakistan City? It is possible when there are too many migrants in the country (Please read Tourist icon in peril: “Truly Asia” Chinatown or Bangladesh town?).

With the exodus of migrants to the EU, crime is inevitable as it is impossible to do a background check on them. Further, they may not be telling the truth about themselves as they often lie about their names, ages, and countries of origin. If these migrants could behave like hooligans and burnt their camp at a time when they were freezing and needed shelter in order to pressure the EU to take them in, what is it that they dare not do? The destruction of the Moria Camp in Greece by fire which the migration minister of Greece believed "began with the asylum seekers" is just another example of how violent the migrants can turn out to be. So, is it safe to take them in? However, they finally got what they wanted when the prime minister of the German state of North Rhine-Westphalia, Armin Laschet, offered to take in 1000 refugees after the camp was destroyed. 

The Bangladeshis' fake passport business. In this photo, you can see fake passports from various countries (Photo source: Kementerian Dalam Negeri, KDN).

What can the migrants do to the EU? Since Malaysia is home to 1,000,000 Bangladeshis (as of 2018) and more than 100,000 Pakistanis, let me share some of the things that they have done to Malaysia. The Bangladeshis and Pakistanis are professionals when it comes to producing forged immigration documents such as fake passports and fake work permits. And they are doing a lucrative business here charging RM150 for each fake passport and RM300 for each fake work permit. They are also selling fake Covid-19 test results. Surely, they can make lots of money if they carry out this kind of business in the EU! When it comes to rape, the Bangladeshis and Pakistanis are certainly not exempted (Rape: Pakistani charged). Even children and the handicapped are not spared. Please read Three Pakistani men, Bangladeshi national charged with raping, sexually assaulting 11-year-old girl; Bangladeshi man detained on suspicion of raping handicapped girl; and Bangladeshi caught raping teen in cybercafe toilet. Sometimes, the victim is killed after being raped (Pakistanis detained over rape, murder in Malaysia). The same applies to murder as it is as popular as rape. Please read 12 Bangladeshi men held for murder at vegetable farm; Bangladeshi wanted over Nepali roommate murder; and Pakistani charged with killing US pastor in Malaysia. It is not uncommon for the Bangladeshis to kill their own people over trifles (Please read Killed over kuih: Bangladeshi trader charged with murder and Bangladeshi sent to gallows over housemate's murder). What is even worse is that after entering the country illegally, they still have the guts to kill, dismember the corpse and dispose it (Bangladeshis rounded up over grisly murder charged with illegal entry). And of course kidnapping cannot be omitted since it is a lucrative business. Please read Malaysian Police Raid Targets Bangladeshi Kidnapping Ring; Malaysia busts group of Pakistani kidnappers; Five Pakistanis charged with kidnapping; and Five Pakistanis charged with kidnapping pensioner, one claims trial to sodomy. Do they come to Malaysia to work / study or sell drugs? Please read Bangladeshi student nabbed for peddling ganja at private university; Police arrest Bangladeshi man on New Year's Eve for allegedly trafficking drugs; Pakistani drug mule nabbed with 19 packets of heroin in stomach; 22 Pakistanis arrested in Malaysia drug raid and Malaysia nabs two Pakistanis with heroin worth $36M. OMG! The list is unending. And one more thing - just google "Bangla suka kacau bini orang" which means "Bangladeshis like to disturb people's wives" and you will find many articles, videos, and even Facebooks about this issue (in Malay). Please click here to watch the video of a Bangladeshi man being beaten up for disturbing somebody's wife (You may also like to read 'I will kill you, I'm from Afghanistan!').

In Sweden, the murder rate has quadrupled due to migration. It has the worst rape conviction record in Europe and the number of rapes has also quadrupled in the past 20 years. And what's more, most of the country's convicted rapists are foreign-born. In Austria, there was a staggering 133% increase in the number of sexual assaults committed by migrants in 2016 and most of the suspects were from Afghanistan. In 2017, there had been 447 killings and murders by asylum seekers and refugees in Germany. Last year, there was an alarming increase of rape cases in Berlin and nearly half of the suspects were migrants. In Italy, the Nigerian mafia are smuggling drugs and trafficking women, deploying them as prostitutes on the streets of Italy. According to Finland's leading newspaper, Helsingin Sanomat, "Finland is one of the least safe countries in Europe for women." Reported cases of rape committed by immigrants, mostly from the Middle East and Northern Africa, are about eight times higher than that of native Finnish people. 

Many of us can never forget what happened in Cologne, Germany, during the 2015-2016 New Year's Eve Celebration. While everyone was waiting for the New Year to start, more than 1200 women were sexually assaulted, raped, and mobbed by North African and Arab asylum seekers and illegal immigrants. 3% of these perpetrators were unaccompanied refugee minors. Even a policewoman was sexually assaulted. These Arab and North African young men surrounded the women, groped their breasts and buttocks, put their hands in their pants or underneath their skirts, introduced their fingers in vaginas, went through handbags, robbed, molested and raped them. They also harassed passers-by and went around stealing mobiles phones, jewelry, and wallets. According to Holger Munch, president of the German Federal Crime Police Office, "There is a connection between the emergence of this phenomenon  and the rapid migration in 2015." The shocking truth was - half of the New Year's Eve perpetrators identified had arrived in Germany in 2015. Is that the way refugees and migrants repay their host countries? In Frankfurt last July, groups of young men were seen attacking the police and the majority of these rioters were immigrants. 

How much can we trust the migrants? Are they telling the truth about their backgrounds or merely lying through their teeth to get asylum status and gain access to the benefits that come with it? In October 2016, Hussein Khavari, who claimed to have come from Afghanistan, raped, strangled, and drowned a 19-year-old medical student from Freiburg, Maria L. Ladenburger. And he knew that she was alive when he drowned her in the Dreisam River. Hussein Khavari, who arrived in Germany without identification documents, had earlier been convicted of attempted murder in Greece for robbing a woman and pushing her off a cliff. He was sentenced to 10 years in prison but was released after 18 months on parole on 31 October 2015 due to overcrowding in the prisons. He fled to Germany via Austria the following month and since he claimed that he was 17, he was taken in as an unaccompanied minor and was placed with a foster family. However, evidence that has emerged during his rape and murder trial in Germany has shown that he is actually from Iran and could be more than 30 years old. Each time I watch videos about migrants at the EU border in Bosnia, I couldn't help wondering how many of them are walking in the footsteps of Hussein Khavari. Given the fact that accepting refugees and migrants can lead to insecurity, crime, and decadence, the EU should really tighten its border controls (To find out more about what the migrants have done in Europe, please read Migrants and Crime in Europe in the Twenty-First Century).

Those who want to work or study in the EU should enter the EU legally instead of trying to sneak across the borders. According to 25-year-old Raheel Zafar, a migrant from Karachi, Pakistan, he has attempted to walk from Bosnia to Croatia six times but was stopped, beaten, and robbed by the Croatian police at the border each time. Can he blame the Croatian police for that? Every country has the right to defend its borders. Even North Korea has issued shoot-to-kill orders at the Chinese border to prevent the transmission of the coronavirus. Due to the Covid-19 pandemic, may countries have imposed entry bans for travelers and his act of sneaking into the EU clearly shows how selfish he is. Who knows, he might be carrying the new strain of Covid-19 and this could endanger the lives of the EU citizens.  Whatever the situation may be, it is illegal to enter Croatia without permission and Zafar should be thankful that the Croatian police did not shoot-to-kill. Although he couldn't see any future in Pakistan, this is not an excuse for him to cross the border into Croatia illegally. Ashfaq Ahmed, from Kashmir, Pakistan, who dreams of studying medicine in Germany, said that they are not animals and the Lipa Camp is no place to live. Well, what he should do is to go back to Pakistan and apply for medical university in Germany. If his application is approved, he can enter Germany legally and there is no need for him to live in the Lipa Camp. Can anyone imagine what will happen if everyone who wants to study medicine in Germany sneaks into Croatia with the intention to claim asylum in Germany? 

The EU countries may be very generous but taking in all the migrants at its borders is not the solution to the migrant crisis as more and more will be flocking to these countries. In the end, the EU citizens will suffer the adverse consequences brought to them by the migrants. Putting pressure on the EU to take in migrants is therefore a great injustice especially at a time when Europe is plunged into a deep covid recession. The best solution is for  the migrants' countries of origin to take responsibility for them instead of kicking the ball to the EU. If there are problems in the migrants' countries, then these problems should be solved within the country so that the people can have better lives instead of victimizing the EU. 

Illegal border crossings should not be encouraged as migrants can create a lot of problems for their host countries. In countries with lots of migrants, rising crime rates are inevitable. Life may also be more difficult for the local citizens as they have to compete with the migrants for food, water, shelter, and jobs. During the coronavirus pandemic, migrants bring viral infections with them thus increasing the risk of Covid-19 transmission. For instance, the Filipinos and Indonesians sneaking into Sabah during the coronavirus pandemic have caused a Covid-19 spike in Malaysia from 1 case on 1 July 2020 to 4,029 cases on 16 January 2021 (Please read ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS A HUGE THREAT TO MALAYSIA'S CORONAVIRUS WAR). 

What can be done to stop illegal border crossing? In Singapore, the punishment for illegal immigration are a prison sentence of up to 6 months and not less than 3 strokes of the cane or a fine of not more than $6000 if the perpetrator cannot be caned. That is why no one dares to overstay their permitted time in Singapore. If only the EU could emulate Singapore, they would have no more problems!  

Thanks for reading. To view the content page of this blog, please click here. You may also like to read: 

• Should the large influx of migrants into the EU countries be encouraged? 
• EUROPE AND THE MIGRANT RAPE CRISIS; 
• Migrants and Crime in Europe in the Twenty-First Century 
• Justice for Denmark: The Other Side of the Deportation Story
• How to Get Rid of Europe's Migrant Crime Zones
  
• Matteo Salvini: Is he a hero or a villain?
  
• White lives matter, 'even the ones being raped, stabbed and murdered'
  
• Viktor Orbán: The Hero of Europe
  
• ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS A HUGE THREAT TO MALAYSIA'S CORONAVIRUS WAR 
• Should the illegal entry of the Rohingyas into Malaysia be encouraged?  
• The Rohingya Issue: Justice for Malaysia and Bangladesh. 

References:

1.  Refugees stuck in hopeless situation at EU border in Bosnia. dw.com.

2.  'We will die': Hundreds of refugees freezing in Bosnia Camp. Al Jazeera.

3.  EU allocates additional £3.5m for refugees and migrants in Bosnia. Europost.

4.  EU officials call for humane conditions for migrants at Bosnian camps. dw.com.

5.  A refugee crisis  brews in Bosnia's bitter winter. Al Jazeera.

6.  2000 men 'sexually assaulted 1200 women' at Cologne New Year's Eve Party. Independent.

7.  Afghan migrant convicted of killing German medical student. The Seattle Times.

8.  Germany: Frankfurt reaches a 'new level of violence' as migrants riot, hurl stones at police. Remix.

How to Leave the Past Behind You and Move Forward

Every cloud has a silver lining

Time really flies and before I know it, today is already the last day of the year 2020. Many things have happened this year and the saddest thing is, of course, the coronavirus pandemic which has killed 1,803,473 people (as of 30 December 2020) and deprived countless people of their regular income. 2020 is a year of struggles, uncertainty, suffering, and death. Let us pray and hope that the vaccines can do something to save the human race in the coming year so that life can return to normal again for everyone. Irrespective of whether something good or bad has happened this year, life is a journey that must be traveled. "Life moves on and so should we" (Spencer Johnson). Although it is not easy to start a new life during these hard times, leaving the past in the past and moving forward with courage and determination is still the best choice that one could make in the coming New Year. In this article, I would like to share an inspirational poem with my readers entitled Letting Go by an unknown author.

Letting Go

To let go doesn't mean 

to stop caring;

It means I can't do it 

for someone else.

To let go is 

not to cut myself off...

It's the realization that 

I can't control another...

To let go is not to enable,

but to allow learning 

from natural consequences.

To let go is 

to admit powerlessness,

which means the outcome 

is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try 

and change or blame another,

I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for, 

but to care about

To let go is not to fix, 

but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,

but to allow another 

to be a human being.

To let go is 

not to be in the middle

arranging all the outcomes,

but to allow others 

to affect their own outcomes.

To let go is 

not to be protective,

It is to permit 

another to face reality.

To let go is 

not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is 

not to nag, scold, or argue,

but to search out 

my own shortcomings

 and correct them.

To let go is 

not to adjust everything 

to my desires,

but to take each day as it comes

and cherish the moment.

To let go is not to criticize 

and regulate anyone,

but to try to become 

what I dream I can be.

To let go is 

not to regret the past,

but to grow and 

live for the future.

To let go is 

to fear less 

and to love more.

                         - Author Unknown

Let us learn from natural consequences, correct our shortcomings, face reality, accept the present, live each day as it comes, cherish every moment of it, and strive to become what we dream we can be. Do not regret the past but grow and live for the future. Below are 5 real life stories of what it means to put the past behind and move forward. The names of the protagonists have been changed and the stories have been modified slightly to conceal their real identities. 

Case 1: Taking Refuge in the Past to Escape the Present and the Future Makes Life More Miserable

One of my friends, Patricia, who grew up during the 1970s, is still keeping the old photos of Donny Osmond, David Cassidy, John Denver, Charlie Chin, Chin Han, and Alan Tang. She also has an excellent collection of the songs and movies of that era. Of course, there is nothing wrong with that but the problem with her is she seems to be living in the past and is making use of these things to bring her back to the past. In other words, she seems to be so obsessed with the things of the past that she does not have much interest in the things of the present. Even some of TVB's best dramas of the year such as The Dripping Sauce, Forensic Heroes IV, The Exorcist's Second Meter, On-lie Game, Flying Tigers II and Al Cappuccino do not appeal to her. And she always says that the songs of today are nothing compared to those of the 1970s.

When I asked her why the past is so important to her, she said that there was a certain kind of atmosphere in the past that she cannot find today. The weather, the people, her life, feelings and environment are all so different now and she really yearns for those good old days when the world was a much better place. Sometimes she would go back to the schools that she formerly attended and the places that she used to go during her school days to relive her past experiences. But what I don't understand is how someone who grew up in poverty could miss her childhood days so much? Why is she taking refuge in the past when she is doing quite well now? The answer probably lies in the fact that she misses the people who were so dear to her like her parents and grandparents as they could be the only ones who have ever cared for her but they are all dead now. Now that she has grown older, her life is certainly different from her childhood experiences since her work environment and school environment are altogether two different things. This is probably what she meant when she said that the atmosphere and environment are so different today. Is it because she is afraid to live in the present? Is it because she is worried about the future? Or is it because of loneliness? Would she be happier if she is married as she doesn't seem to be very happy now? "The past is a closed door" (Margaret Atwood) and instead of hiding behind a closed door, perhaps she should live fully in the present and have faith in the future. Holding on to the past would only prevent her from experiencing happiness in the present moment. "In the process of letting go, she will lose many things from the past, but she will find herself" (Deepak Chopra).

When one door closes, another opens;

but we often look so long and so regretfully

upon the closed door that we do not see

the one which has opened for us.

                            - Alexander Graham Bell

"There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world, it's the beginning of a new life" (Unknown). Letting go of the things and people that we never want to leave behind does not mean forgetting them. Yesterday's beautiful moments are today's beautiful memories. Instead of dwelling in the past, I dare say that a better option for Patricia is to turn those good old days into beautiful memories. Life changes and everything changes with it. Comparing the past with the present cannot help her to build a better life - moving forward is still the best thing to do. "A very wise man once told me that you can't look back - you just have to put the past behind you, and find something better in your future" (Jodi Picoult). How right he is! That is exactly what Patricia should do. I am sure that once she finds something better, she will not be so obsessed with the past anymore. Her life actually isn't that bad as she is financially stable. All she needs to do is to look at the world from a different perspective, accept the present, have faith in the future, and be thankful for what she has. The past is only a memory and being obsessed with it does not lead her anywhere. The present is reality and she has to face it whether she likes it or not. And the future, well, it is in her hands as she is the author of her own story! And I sincerely hope that Patircia will write a beautiful story about her life in the near future.

Case 2: Feeling Bitter Years After a Divorce Can Ruin Your Life

Nancy has been divorced for more than ten years and her children are already attending college. But after so many years, she cannot stop hating her ex-husband as she still feels cheated by him and is very bitter, angry, hurt, depressed, and spiteful about what happened. It was a high conflict divorce and she still finds that she cannot talk to him nicely face to face - they just cannot be friends. She still yearns for the beautiful memories of the marriage life she used to have and has been hunting for a man who can give her back what she has lost. This is a very dangerous thing to do particularly when she is turning to online dating as she may end up being a victim of love scams. However, after years of hunting men, she is still single and that makes her even more depressed and miserable. Whenever she talks about her husband, she will start cursing him and is always telling bad things about him in front of their children. Because she cannot put the past behind her, she has been stuck in the pain of a bad divorce all these years. The choice is hers, of course, as she is the one who decides her path.

Perhaps Nancy should learn to forgive since hating someone is so painful and it only hurts her even more. In learning to forgive, she can break herself free from the emotional pain of divorce and move forward. Moving forward does not mean that she has to go men hunting - maybe she should pay more attention to her children and be a good mother. Instead of losing her temper and scolding her children for nothing because she is always moody and grouchy, she should control her bad moods and emotional outbursts. There is nothing wrong looking for new love but going all the way out to hunt for men is a little bit too much as this kind of behavior can hurt her children. Instead of hunting for men, a better option for her is to become more active in her temple or maybe she can join the YMCA or do some kind of social work and, who knows, she may bump into a good man accidentally. She can also take the opportunity to improve herself and discover her true potentials instead of staring at the ceiling when there is nothing to do as this would only make her feel empty. 

Today expect something good to happen to

you no matter what occurred yesterday.

Realize the past no longer holds you captive.

It can only continue to hurt you if you hold

on to it. Let the past go. A simply

abundant world awaits.

                                        - Sarah Breathnach

If Nancy is a wise woman, she should live to prove to her ex-husband that her life is better without him instead of showing him that she is in bad shape without him. Holding on to old grudges all the time and plotting to win him back are meaningless when she sees no chance as it hurts her even more. She should keep and open mind, let go and move on instead of attaching herself to this situation. Whether she is happy or sad, life goes on, so why not choose to be happy? Life would be more meaningful if she focuses on the things that she can change instead of what has already happened. She cannot win her husband back but she can take another direction in life and create a better and happier future for herself and live with dignity and great expectations. "Life moves forward. The old leaves wither, die and fall away, and the new growth extends forward into the light" (Bryant McGill).

Case 3:  Lonely Elderly Woman Feels She Has Nothing to Live For

One of my mom's best friends, Margarita, used to have a loving husband and two lovely children. During her younger days, many of her friends were jealous of her because of her good fortune. But now, all those beautiful moments of her life are no more. After her husband died and her children got married, she is left alone in a bungalow. Since her daughter is in Australia, she seldom gets to see her and as she cannot get along with her daughter-in-law, she can only see her son when he visits her during the festive seasons. The last time I visited her, she was weeping because she was very sad and lonely. Her daughter-in-law does not like her husband and children to visit her and has the habit of beating up the children each time after they visit their grandmother. Today, her grandchildren treat her like a complete stranger because they seldom get the chance to meet her.

Margarita said that she was only waiting for death every day because she had nothing to live for. She weeps and mourns for the past because she cannot let go of those good old days when she had everything. Gone are the days when her husband always doted on her foolishly like a slave for he is dead now. Gone are the days when her son always obeyed her because he has married a queen control and dare not disobey his wife. Gone are the days when her daughter was very close to her because she is now married and is living with her family in another country. But does it mean that Margarita has nothing to live for right now? She has a lot of money and a big house - these are great blessings as she does not have to worry about her livelihood. At her age, she is considered healthy as she can still move around. Instead of complaining, perhaps she ought to feel grateful as there are many jobless and homeless people in this world who do not know where their next meal is coming from. The sad truth is, most women are dependent on their husband and children for happiness and once the people who are dearest to them are no longer with them, they don't know what to do. 

Incredible change happens in your life

when you decide to take control of what

you do have power over instead of

craving control over what you don't.

                                      - Steve Maraboli

Being old and alone does not mean that there is nothing to live for. Loneliness and sadness should not be a burden to life as one grows older. Margarita can still live a happy and meaningful life if she could change her mindset and attitude. Change is inevitable in life and she has to adapt to this change whether she wants it or not or she will be consumed by it. Since she cannot bring her husband back to life, force her son to dump his wife or her daughter to come home, the only thing she can do is to accept her present life. After all, she wasn't a good daughter-in-law herself and it is probably not wrong to say that she should accept it as her karma. Somewhere in her past she also had trouble getting along with her mother-in-law.

It is not difficult to find happiness alone especially for rich old ladies like Margarita as much would depend on whether she wants to create happiness for herself or not. Instead of weeping and mourning for the past or cursing her daughter-in-law, she can keep herself busy by watching TV, reading, going for a walk in the park, or taking a trip to another city or country. Or perhaps she can join tai chi classes, learn a new language, or play a musical instrument. As she participates in these activities, she also gets the chance to meet people her own age and make new friends. When she sees that her friends are also having problems with their "queen control daughter-in-laws" she may not feel so bitter anymore knowing that she is not suffering alone. As they share stories of their "queen control daughter-in-laws" with each other, they will feel a weight lifted from their shoulders and thus relieve themselves of this burden.  It is always never too late to make new friends, learn new things and make good changes in life. As she keeps herself occupied, she will begin to feel that she has a lot of things to look forward to. Needless to say, living a happy and fulfilling life would also mean that she can live longer.

Case 4: The Rape Victims And Their Different Pathways

Caryn and Yuki were colleagues. Both were beautiful young ladies and they were doing very well at work. However, it was how they lived their lives after they were raped which was the deciding factor of their fate. After Caryn was raped twice by people she knew, her mental condition became very unstable as she could not recover from her unwanted sexual encounters. Because of her mood swings, her boyfriend could not tolerate her and left. She lost her job and had to live on charity. She even put on a lot of weight and by the time she was in her 40s, she had a full head of gray hair. Not long after that, she was found dead in her home but police found no evidence of foul play. It seemed that she died naturally just like that. How sad! May her soul rest in eternal peace. Yes, she is now at peace and enjoying herself in heaven.

Caryn, however, was not as unlucky as Yuki even though she was gang raped. She was not ashamed of what happened to her and was ready to face the consequences. She did not brood over her unwanted sexual encounter but left it in the past as she moved forward. She continued to do very well at work and has become a successful businesswoman today. Still beautiful, fit, and youthful today, she is now happily married to her boyfriend of twenty years. I have always admired Caryn because she is the kind of woman who does not give up easily and always puts in a lot of effort to strive for success. She is ambitious, resolute, determined, adamant, and persistent.

Let go, Why do you cling to pain? There

is nothing you can do about the wrongs

of yesterday. It is not yours to judge.

Why hold on to the very thing which

keeps you from hope and love?

                                     - Leo Buscaglia

The difference between Caryn and Yuki is - Caryn could leave the past behind and move forward whilst Yuki could not do so. Yuki's mind focused on her negative experiences in the past and that was why her life was going downhill. Dwelling on her painful memories, she created unnecessary pain and suffering for herself thus giving herself a lot of stress and tension. If only she knows how to replace her painful memories with positive and happy thoughts, her life would be different. Caryn, on the other hand, focuses on living in the present as she loves her life and her job. Although there were some busy bodies who kept discouraging her and reminding her of the past, they failed to stop her from moving forward because she has chosen not to obsess herself with negative thoughts, worries, and fears. Her detachment from the past has therefore made way for a new life, happiness and love. And success comes to her one after another as she continues to dream and work hard for the future. She has clearly proven that although she cannot change the past, she can change the future. 

Conclusion

Everyone deserves a happy and fulfilling life. Holding on to the past and refusing to let go would mean that the door to a new life and new opportunities would remain shut. Those who cannot put the past in the past will never be able to enjoy their present because they cannot move forward. To be happy, one has to accept the present circumstances and situation and have faith in the future. For those who are going through a difficult phase of life, do not despair as it will be over before you know it. Every cloud has a silver lining. When life takes someone or something from you, someone or something better will come your way if only you can let go. You will see light at the end of the tunnel so don't lose hope in the midst of despair. But first you have to conquer the darkness with complete faith. Happy New Year 2021!

Thanks for reading. You may also like to read SALUTATION TO THE DAWN, Footprints in the Sand, Is Marriage Really Necessary and Important in Today's World? and How Abraham Lincoln Inspired Me to Pursue My Ph.D.? To view the content page of this blog, please click here.

The Beautiful Hands of a Priest (Father Anthony Ho)

Fr. Anthony Ho Ting Yiu

When I first came across Father Anthony Ho's blog more than 11 years ago, I found it very unique and interesting and I have been following him on his blog ever since. What is so special about his blog? It is special because it is the blog of a Catholic priest who values his vocation and proudly shares his priestly life with the world. Through his blog, I can find the life of Christ - a life of sacrifice and service that can make a difference in others' lives. Every article in it is written deep from his heart - the heart of a priest who wants to tell the whole how proud he is to be on call all the time to serve the faithful from their cradles to their graves. I don't deny the fact that I envy him because he is living the kind of life that I would love to live but I can't as I am a woman. At the same time, I have been observing him and time really flies - before I realize it, more than a decade has passed. 11 years from then, Father Anthony Ho is still proudly serving God and His people wholeheartedly and although I still envy him, I feel that I must write something about him. What a beautiful experience to be called to a life of holiness and to walk in the footsteps of Christ - nothing can be more meaningful than that. In a way, Father Anthony Ho's life also reminds me of a beautiful poem entitled "The Beautiful Hands of a Priest" written by an unknown author:

The Beautiful Hands of a Priest

We need them in life's early morning,
we need them again at its close;

We need their warm clasp of true friendship,

we seek them while tasting life's woes.

At the altar each day we behold them,

and the hands of a king on his throne

are not equal to them in their greatness;

their dignity stands alone.

And when we are tempted and wander

to pathways of shame and sin,

It's the hand of a priest that will absolve us,

not once but again and again.

And when we are taking life's partner,

other hands may prepare us a feast,

But the hands that will bless and unite us,

are the beautiful hands of a priest.

God bless them and keep them all holy

for the host which their fingers caress,

What can a poor sinner do better than

to ask him to guide thee and bless?

When the hour of death comes upon us,

may our courage and strength be increased.

To see, raised above us in blessing

the beautiful hands of a priest!

Around 1963, Father Crowley of Dunsallagh gave the words of this poem to Tom Linehan and the Clare singer put a tune to it and recorded it in a song. This poem clearly tells us how important our priests are in our lives because we need them from the moment we come into this world until the hour we breathe our last. In today's world, it is not easy to find single, celibate, and devout men who can live the life of Christ and who don't mind working for long hours with low pay to serve God's people. If we can come across one, then he is indeed a great blessing from God. In this article, I would like to share the amazing and wonderful life of a Catholic priest, Father Anthony Ho.

Father Anthony Ho is a Chinese priest of the Archdiocese of Vancouver. His father grew up in Hong Kong and his mother grew up in Macau. They attended Catholic schools and that was one reason why they became Catholics. Father Anthony Ho was born in Hong Kong in 1976 where he attended a Catholic high school run by the Salesians of Don Bosco and that was when he began to consider a vocation to the priesthood. The Salesians of Don Bosco, also known as the Society of Saint Francis de Sales, was founded in 1859 by John Bosco, an Italian priest Saint, and named after the a 17th Century bishop of Geneva, Saint Francis de Sales. With the motto "Da mihi Animas caetera tolle" which means "Give me souls, take away the rest", the society was initially intended to help poor children during the Industrial Revolution. 

Father Anthony Ho's ordination

Father Anthony Ho and his parents and younger sister moved to Canada in 1993. He served as a Catechism teacher and prayer group leader before he attended the British Columbia Institute of Technology (BCIT), a polytechnic in Burnaby, where he studied Computer System Technology. In 1998, he entered the Seminary of Christ the King, a beautiful and healthy community to prepare for priesthood, in the Archdiocese of Vancouver. He was ordained a priest on 30 May 2006 at St. Anthony's Parish in Vancouver. His mother died of cancer in 2001 while he was studying to become a priest. Before she passed away, she promised him that the first thing she would do when she entered heaven was to pray that he would become a good priest. 

When asked why he has chosen the Catholic Priesthood, Father Anthony Ho said that he loved the lives of the saints and their writings. His involvement in various religious activities such as altar serving and the Legion of Mary also had  a role to play in helping him to discern his vocation. In a way, he was also attracted to the Catholic priesthood through his devotion to the Blessed Sacrament and to Our Lady.

Father Anthony Ho was an assistant pastor at 3 different parishes for 6 years before he became a pastor. He was a pastor in another parish for 5 years before he was assigned to St. John the Apostle Parish in Vancouver. It is now his 4th year at his current parish. What kind of priest is he? After observing him more than 11 years, my conclusion is, he is the kind of priest who loves his vocation and pours his heart into his parish ministry every moment of his life. In other words, he is not a priest for himself but gives himself  fully and completely to lead and serve us. According to him, helping people to pray and teaching them about faith is a very meaningful thing to do. He enjoys teaching the Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults (RCIA) and is especially happy whenever he is preparing to welcome new members into the Catholic Church. As "Father" to everyone, he strongly believes that the duties of a priest is not only to look after the spiritual needs of the faithful but also to reach out to non-Catholics.

The life of a priest is not a bed of roses as there are always lots of things to do in the parish because he is needed all the time by everyone and everywhere. Father Anthony Ho is certainly not an OP (ordinary person) because his hands are always full. He is the one who started the Chinese Mass Community in his current parish. He is also leading several prayer groups and Bible study groups in English and Cantonese. His prayer groups are not just ordinary prayer groups as these are intended to promote the messages of the Divine Mercy and Our Lady of Fatima. And please do not assume that the RCIA is easy to teach as it has to be taught in 3 different languages - English, Cantonese, and Mandarin. As though these are not enough, he is also writing a weekly article for The B.C. Catholic Multimedia Catholic News and giving a short weekly radio talk show on the Sunday Gospel in Cantonese. Wow! Where does he find the time to so so many things? He is truly a most extraordinary man called to an extraordinary ministry!

Father Anthony Ho is not the kind of priest who would waste his time looking for a girlfriend and pestering the Popes to allow him to get married. Where is he going to find the time for that? He is the kind of priest who believes in perfect chastity in priestly celibacy as it enables him to love God and Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament with an undivided heart. According to him, "priestly celibacy is a source of fruitfulness for spiritual fatherhood and that the focus of priests should be on God and souls." How right he is! As what St. John Vianney says, a priest is an alter Christus and he should do what Jesus did. And doing the works of Jesus means that his top priority should be the salvation of souls and not his sex scandal. The unmarried man focuses his life on the Lord's affairs and is concerned with serving the Lord but the married man focuses on the world demands and is concerned with pleasing his wife (1 Corinthians 7:32-33). Sad to say, there are many people who want to become priests but do not understand the role and importance of priestly celibacy. Perhaps they should turn to Father Anthony Ho for advice.

Father Anthony Ho is of the opinion that: "Developing a deep friendship with Jesus in the Holy Eucharist and with Our Lady is the source of happiness and strength for priests. By being faithful to our daily prayer and daily duty, we grow in holiness and bring many blessings to the people." Yes, Jesus and Mary are the source of happiness and strength for priests - not sex, lakefront homes, private jets, luxury cars, and pop music. What the faithful would love to see is a true priest who grows in holiness as he brings them closer to God - not a priest who quits the Catholic Church to get married or embezzles Church money for his personal use.

Father Anthony Ho is a man taken from among men to serve God's people and to lead them to union with God. As a shepherd tends to his scattered flock when he is with them, so I will tend my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they have been scattered when it was cloudy and dark (Ezekiel 34:12). Priests must be joyful and stubborn and do not mind taking risks to seek out those who are most distant from God just as what Jesus has done (Pope Francis). And that is why Father Anthony Ho has devoted himself entirely to his special mission as a priest. The word "entirely" here means "all he has" and not just 30% or 40% because his focus is only on God and souls. 

In this final paragraph, I would like to share a piece of Father Anthony's invaluable advice with the faithful: "A good prayer life and knowedge of the Catholic faith are very fundamental to our spiritual life. Friendship can only be deepened by spending time together and by communicating. So, we must spend time with Christ and communicate with Him each day. Daily prayer is like food and drink for our soul. We need prayer to deepen our friendship with Christ."  That is why he is always busy helping us to deepen our faith and our relationship with Jesus for the salvation of our souls. If only we can have more priests like him, the world would be a much better place for everyone. To those who wish to join the Catholic priesthood, why not seek some invaluable advice from Father Anthony Ho? I am sure you will be inspired by him and become good priests too. Who knows, you may one day change many lives by God's grace!

You may also like to read FATHER OC LIM - OUR PRIEST LAWYER, Cardinal Robert Sarah: The Christian Priesthood Is in Mortal Danger, WHY POPE BENEDICT XVI CLARIFIES, REAFFIRMS, REINFORCES AND DEFENDS CELIBACY? and From the Depths of Our Hearts: Priesthood, Celibacy, and the Crisis of the Catholic Church. To view the content page of this blog, please click here.

Is Marriage Really Necessary and Important in Today's World?

One of Geraldine's retired teacher friends was nearly scammed by an unemployed young Nigerian who claimed to to be a Finnish engineer.

One of my former colleagues, Geraldine, always calls me to complain about 3 of her friends, 2 retired teachers and a divorced former librarian, who are already in their 60s and 70s, but still desperately looking for love in the wrong places. She cannot understand why these women are still so desperate for a man when they are already in their twilight years and should be living peacefully. The retired teachers nearly got scammed but their stinginess saved them. However, they have not learnt their lessons yet and are still busy looking for love everywhere. As for the divorced librarian, she still goes around looking for a man like an obsessed teenager. She even shook her breasts in front of the guys and talked to them in a seductive voice in the express bus - that reminds me of the girls in my school bus during my school days but they were only teenagers then. Does a woman in her 70s still have the mentality of a teenager? I don't understand these women either as I can only think of my long dead grandmother each time Geraldine calls to tell me about her desperate friends. When my grandmother was in her 60s, she was busy taking care of her grandchildren, sewing, washing, and cooking for all us even though my grandfather was no longer around. She had never spent a second of her life looking for love in the wrong places during her twilight years and I really can't imagine her doing that. If my grandmother were to look for a boyfriend, my cousins and I would surely laugh till our stomachs ache. 

Geraldine's 72-year-old friend shook her breasts in front of the guys in the express bus when they were going on a trip.

The case of a 67-year-old grandmother, Jette Jacobs, from Australia, who was murdered when she travelled to South Africa to meet her Nigerian lover, 28-year-old Jesse Omokoh, whom she met online, clearly showed that even our seniors are very vulnerable to romance scams. This Australian grandmother had sent more than $100,000 to her Nigerian lover who proposed to her before her trip. Then there was the case of another Australian grandmother, 54-year-old Maria Elvira Pinto Exposto, who was duped into drug trafficking after falling for an internet romance scam. The recent case (dated 23 August 2020) of a 68-year-old widow in Johor who lost RM257,172 to an online love scam syndicate after her so-called lover promised to marry her is another example of how desperate a woman can be when it comes to love. Women are most dangerous to themselves when they are desperate to be loved (Vanessa PA Evelyn). These cases can happen again and again unless they can understand that life is not just about marriage and learn how to make the most out of their lives instead of wasting their time seeking men. 

Geraldine's former colleague, a 67-year-old divorced teacher, signed up with online dating. Her 60-year-old friend, a retired teacher from Penang, nearly got scammed by a young Nigerian guy.

And the quest for love goes on. Despite the many romance scams making use of the same tricks over and over again throughout the decades, many women are still falling for this type of scams. Even teachers who are supposed to set good examples for their students are not exempted as they are ready to make unconditional sacrifices when it comes to love because love conquers everything. In a case dated 12 April 2020, a 42-year-old teacher from Pahang lost RM100,000 in an online romance scam despite travel restrictions during the movement control order (MCO). What made her believe that her lover from Indonesia could enter Malaysia to meet her in Kuala Lumpur during the MCO? The answer is - love is really blind. In another case dated 19 May 2020, a teacher in her 40s from Sibu, lost RM4000 to one Jeffrey Ben Mayne who claimed to be a London architect. He had promised to marry her in Malaysia. In a more recent case dated 11 July 2020, a 37-year-old teacher from Kepala Batas, lost RM112,000 to a love scam syndicate after falling in love with a man who claimed to be a US soldier. He had promised to come to Malaysia and marry her but he never did (You can click here to read more about the victims of Facebook love scams). 

A piece of good advice from Geraldine, "Better be a spinster than to be scammed of all our money. No need to be desperate. No need to go online or chase / seduce men, young or old. We must have our dignity."

If grandmothers and teachers are desperately seeking love, what about our young girls? On 18 July 2020, a 16-year-old girl from Ipoh threw her newborn baby, with his umbilical cord attached, from her 2nd. floor bedroom window. On 16 July 2020, a teenage college student from George Town was charged with murdering her newborn baby. She threw her baby from her 13th. floor apartment unit. On 13 May 2020, an 18-year-old shop assistant from Bayan Lepas threw her newborn baby girl from her 4th. floor flat unit. Her baby was lucky enough to survive the incident. Giving birth secretly at home, these unwed mothers had no choice but to throw their newborn babies away. Is this what we call the price of love? What is love? Irresponsible sex? It is very obvious that when these girls fell in love, they did not think of the consequences. Once, a 15-year-old student came to see me. She said that she was very sad because all her friends had boyfriends but she could not find one. Although I advised her to study first and get a boyfriend after she has completed her studies, I could feel that she would not listen to me.

During the early days of my teaching career, I met one of my friends at Kota Raya Complex on a Saturday night when I was doing my shopping alone. I always enjoy shopping alone because there is no need to rush and I can go anywhere I want. If there is someone with me, I would normally end up not buying anything at all. When this friend saw me shopping alone, she shouted in such a way that could make anyone feel guilty. Here it goes: "Aiyah... Are you sure you are alone here? Don't you know that today is Saturday? How can you be alone on a Saturday night? Well, for this kind of woman who does not want to be seen without a man on a Saturday night, her husband and children are her entire world and her only life purpose. The problem is, if her husband leaves her or dies, her whole world comes crumbling down because she cannot live without a man. To fill the vacuum in her life, she would desperately look for love everywhere and become an easy target for romance scammers. The reality is, love scammers know very well what women want and how desperate they are - that is why they are doing a lucrative business.

Is marriage so important that one cannot live without it? Does happiness mean carrying a child in your arms, playing with your children, holding hands with your husband when you go shopping, cooking and washing for your husband and children, going on family outings, sex, and kisses? Most women, irrespective of their age, love doing these things because their entire world is made up of their husband and children. But, I don't think I would enjoy doing these things at all, not even a bit. Why? Looking at my friends' rebellious teenage children, I feel thankful that I don't have to raise one. I would be really furious if I have a teenage son who keeps asking me for money to spend on his girlfriend and loses his temper when I refuse to give him the money he asks for. When I go shopping, I don't like people to pressure me to hurry and certainly feel more comfortable when I am alone. Although I am a good cook, I only cook one dish per meal, sit on the sofa in front of the TV and eat direct from the wok. No rice for me, of course, because one dish is enough. The advantage is - there is no need to cook so much and wash so much because I really hate to wash the pots and pans, plates and bowls. Talking about washing clothes, once a week is more than enough for me. The problem with me is - I can only wash my own clothes because I would feel like vomiting if I wash other people's clothes. What about family outings? I always have lot of things to do that I would be very thankful if I could find some time to be alone on the beach or in the parks with my own thoughts. And of course, sex and kisses are totally out of the question because I don't like people to touch me. Do I sound like a spoilt child? Well, I would rather be a spoilt child than a distressed and pitiful wife. Since I am so used to my carefree, worry-free, and burdenless lifestyle and am living my life to the fullest, I really cannot feel the importance of marriage. Getting married may not be a good thing for me after all because it will take away my freedom and perhaps turn me into a sulky, depressed and angry wife.

When I was just a little girl, I used to ask my mother why she got married and her answer was - she wanted someone to look after her when she grew old. That is probably one of the major reasons why people get married but the question is - how many children will actually look after their elderly parents? My grand aunt lived alone in a bungalow and died in a nursing home because none of her 4 children wanted to live with her. Although my mom's best friend has 2 children (a son and a daughter), she is also living alone because her daughter married an Australian and her daughter-in-law cannot get along with her. Her husband has already passed away many years ago leaving a lot of money in the bank for her. I can only hope that she would not be a victim of romance scammers. Well, it seems that my mother has given me a very bad answer because getting married does not guarantee that one will not be alone during the twilight years.

Getting married also does not mean that one will live happily ever after because divorce and extramarital affairs are extremely common nowadays. Suffering in silence while your husband is having an affair and raising the children alone after a painful divorce are certainly not enjoyable. Should these things happen in one's life, isn't it better not to get married at all? As for me, I choose not to take any risks because I am having a wonderful time now and I don't want things to change for the worse. Simple things like shopping for Christmas and New Year, buyng myself a present, cooking a nice dish for myself, eatings longans while watching TV, going for a walk in the park, watching my favorite movies and TVB dramas, lying on my bed and reading my favorite books, listening to my favorite songs, and going for photography can make me very happy because I know how to value life. So, why bring a man into my world to destroy me when I am living a blissful life? Frankly speaking, even if I were given a husband now, I really don't know what to do with him!

Well, I am not writing this article to discourage marriage. To those who have found their soulmate and are leading a happy family life, I would say that it is good for them. As for those who are still single, divorced, or widowed, do not think that it is the end of the world just because you don't have a man and are feeling lonely. Do you know that loneliness is a luxury? Life can be really peaceful when you are living alone. That is when you can find inner peace and discover your true self. Living alone also means that there is no one to make you angry, no worries, no arguments, no insincerity or affectedness, and, most of all, you are free to do whatever you want and this kind of freedom is really amazing. I never like people to disturb me, dirty my house and misplace my things and that is why I feel more comfortable being alone. Boredom has never found its way into my life because I always have lots of things to do. My advice is - when you are living alone, do not sit and mourn the whole day because you cannot find a man or life will be very miserable. Life is too short to be sad or wasted. The most important thing is how to fill your life with meaningful things - these things need not be complicated. Simple luxuries in life like learning how to cook by watching youtube, buying a new TV, decorating your home for Christmas, or waiting for the sunset on the beach are enough to make you feel happy if you know how to appreciate life. These things are certainly more meaningful than going for men hunting and getting into trouble. Having a man by your side does not mean that you will be really happy as he may bring more pain than joy.

To those women who can afford to give away millions to love scammers, don't you think that this amount money can make you very happy if you spend it on yourself? Giving the money away for some loving words which are not true is a sinful waste of money when the money can be used in a more meaningful way. The loving words expressed in broken Nigerian English certainly do not worth a single cent! As for the grandmothers who are desperately looking for love, don't you think that your grandchildren deserve your love and money more than the Nigerian scammers? Why not spend the money on the grandchildren and make them happy? As for the young girls, study first and love later. Do not trust men easily and never let them ruin your life.

Being single and living alone does not mean that there is no life. Believe me, your life can be very interesting if you know how to live wisely and bring meaning to it. How can this be done? Easy. Follow these rules:

Rule 1: Love yourself, don't rely on someone else to do it. Never depend on anyone for your happiness but yourself.

Rule 2: Give yourself the best of everything and make the best of everything. Life is too short to limit yourself.

Rule 3: Live in the moment and cherish every second of the day as it comes. Do not feel sad because God has given you this wonderful life to enjoy yourself. If you spend the days of your life without enjoying yourself, you will regret when you look back at your life.

If you can follow these rules, you have found the key to true and everlasting happiness. These are also my golden rules for eternal happiness, freedom, and inner peace. Looking at myself in the mirror every morning, I feel so proud of myself for being single. Why? I may not be able to maintain my slim figure and youthful looks if I were married because weight gain after childbirth is inevitable. I may not have a Ph.D. if I have a family because there would be no time to focus on my thesis. And who knows, I may have become a bitter single mother and jilted wife today with a sagging figure and gaunt appearance if I have chosen marriage. Oh No! I would rather live to pamper myself every day.

If I were to live my life again, I would still travel the same path that I have traveled all these years. I would still choose to be the pure and perfect bride of Christ because He would not destroy my life or turn me into a bitter, distressed, and pitiful woman. In Him, there is only peace and love. I am very happy because my life has never been contaminated by any man, I am healthy, I have achieved my doctorate degree, and I am free to do whatever I like to do without having to please anyone. And I am glad to say that I am having the time of my life now. Life is short, treasure it, for you will not pass this way again.

You may also like to read Will your husband divorce you and marry his lover?, MARRIAGE AFTER 50: WHAT DO YOU NEED TO CONSIDER?, How Long Should a Widower Wait to Remarry After the Death of His Wife?, and THE LINES OF MARRIAGE AND HOW THEY AFFECT YOUR LOVE LIFE. To view the content page of this blog, please click here.

Will your husband divorce you and marry his lover?

Third party interference in a marriage is an issue which everyone prefers to ignore in the hope that it is not true and everything will be fine. Many women do not mind suffering in silence because they dare not confront their husbands for fear of losing them. They will rather keep one eye close as long as their husbands know the way home and have no intention to divorce them. This is because divorce can be very painful for a woman especially if she has given herself entirely to her husband and family. 

Although I have never been married before, this does not prevent me from observing what is happening to other people's marriages. As a keen observer, I have come across many marriages that ended on the rocks due to third party interferences. The recent article dated 6 September 2020 entitled "Wanita Sarat Hamil Tanpa Si Suami," Diceraikan Talak 3 Demi Perempuan Lain (Husband Divorced Heavily Pregnant Wife for Another Woman) made me feel sad even though I did not know this woman. The other woman refused to leave her husband no matter what and her husband did not want to wait until the baby is born to divorce her. I hope that she will face the future bravely and find happiness one day. In this article, I would like to share three real life stories about marital infidelity that I have been observing for years, or to be exact, more than 20 years. The descriptions of the main characters in these stories have been slightly modified to conceal their real identities.

Case 1:  Woman struggled to raise her children after being dumped by lover

Shirley used to be a very beautiful girl during her younger days but she was really unlucky to have fallen in love with Nick, a married man with 2 children. Nick told her that he no longer had any feelings for his estranged wife and promised to marry her 'one day' but little did she know that his 'one day' would mean 'never' (even an outsider like me could see that he was only taking advantage of her but at that time she was so blinded by his love that she would listen to no one). Believing that he would marry her one day, Shirley quit her job and went to live with him. She built many wonderful dreams of a blissful marriage life in the air while waiting for him to fulfil his empty promises. For 12 years, she waited for him to divorce his wife and marry her but all he could ever do was to make more empty promises. It seemed that the issue of divorce was entirely out of discussion. Nick was actually enjoying the companionship of both his wife and mistress. Shirley felt cheated but the arrivals of their sons left her without a choice but to continue living with him in the hope that his empty promises would come true one day but they never materialized. It wasn't easy for her to bear the criticisms of her neighbors, relatives, and friends but all she could ever do was to turn a deaf ear to them.

As the years went by, Nick's attitude towards her changed and they began to quarrel. Their heated arguments soon led to a complete estrangement between them. It was only then that Shirley began to realize that he wasn't the man for her and it was meaningless to live with him any longer. She left him and brought her two sons with her. It was not easy for her to start a new career at that age - if she did not quit her job and went to live with Nick, she could have better career prospects today and has probably married a decent man. No doubt, she has learnt a lesson after all but this lesson was far too expensive because she has given up her bright future for a worthless man. However, for the sake of her sons, she must learn to be independent and brave the storm.

On the other hand, Nick's wife has also learnt a very important lesson - keep one eye closed when your husband is fooling around as long as he knows how to come home. Needless to say, she was not happy with the presence of another woman in her husband's life for so many years but her patience and tolerance had helped her to win her husband back without the need of confrontation. Today, she does not have to share her husband with anyone anymore. At his age, Nick is a faithful husband and perfect family man who is enjoying the warmth of family love. Every cloud has a silver lining - it does not matter what her husband did to her anymore because they are going to have a blissful marriage life in the future. After Nick's extramarital affair, he would probably love and cherish his wife even more.

Case 2:  Husband dumped wife for a woman 20 years younger

Not everyone is as lucky as Nick's wife because some men do not know their way home after fooling around and Zoey's husband, Kenny, is such a man. Both Zoey and her husband are successful entrepreneurs and they have 4 children. But, when Zoey first met her husband, he was only a poor man and since she had a rich father, she decided to help him set up his own business. Because of her care and concern for him, they soon fell in love and got married not long after that even though Zoey's parents did not really approve the marriage because they felt that their daughter was too good for her husband.

For 20 years, their marriage was a blissful one as there was no third party interference. But the presence of Selina changed everything. Selina was a young entrepreneur in her 20s who had business dealings with Kenny's company. The bad news for Zoey was these business dealings later transformed into a romantic relationship between Kenny and Selina. At 48, Kenny looked young for his age whilst his wife looked more like his mother.  With 4 grown-up children, he probably wanted to look for some new excitement in his life and since Selina was young and beautiful, he couldn't find any reason why he shouldn't fall in love with her especially when the girl was already showing some interest in him. 

So Kenny divorced his wife and married Selina. Together they started a new family and a very blissful one too. Too bad for Zoey, she still hasn't found her new love today. At her age, the chances of her finding true love are depressingly slim. What was Zoey's greatest mistake? She should have looked for tell-tale signs of her husband's affair before it was too late but she just trusted him too much until the situation got out of hand. Although she did not mind her husband keeping a secret mistress as long as he did not divorce her for the sake of the children, he could not keep his marriage vows anymore because Selina did not want to be his secret mistress. The young and beautiful Selina wanted to be legally married to Kenny and she did not like the idea of sharing her husband with Zoey. 

Case 3:  Husband dumped wife and old lover to marry his new lover

As the third party in an affair, Linda was not as lucky as Selina as her life has been completely destroyed by this affair even though Lucas' wife left him in the end. Linda and Lucas worked in the same company. At the time they first met, Lucas was already married with 2 children. Despite of his affair with Linda, Lucas was still very much in love with his wife and he was a responsible father. However, he kept assuring Linda that he would divorce his wife and marry her and this went on for many years. Known as the 'third party' and marriage wrecker, Linda did not have a very good reputation but she endured all criticisms because of her love for this man. 

Lucas' wife finally couldn't stand her husband anymore and divorced him. She left for another country with their 2 children and since then Lucas has never heard from them again. Linda, who was pregnant, was very happy because Lucas has finally decided to marry her. However, her happiness did not last long because Lucas fell in love with another girl, in her early 20s, while on a business trip abroad. This beautiful young lady was the daughter of a rich man and it seemed that she was the best choice for him at that time. Why? Linda was already in her mid 30s and she was not as rich as this young lady. Could she blame Lucas for dumping her?  What has he done? He only wanted to have the best of everything for himself. When news of his marriage reached Linda, she was so devastated that she had a miscarriage. Today, Linda is still single as she no longer has any confidence in any relationship. 

Conclusion

Based on the cases above, one cannot deny the fact that the secret to get a man hooked is to be his ideal woman and the best among the best. Being a woman is therefore not easy as there is always the possibility that she may have to compete with another woman for her husband's love. And of course her husband will choose the better one between the two of them. In Case 1, Nick did not wish to divorce his wife because there wasn't much difference between his wife and mistress as they belonged to the same kind - both were housewives of around the same age. What's the purpose of getting rid of one woman and then marrying another woman who is more or less similar to the first wife? Isn't it better to enjoy the best of both worlds? As for Case 2, Kenny's decision to leave his wife for a woman 20 years younger may not be unreasonable, or at least that was how he felt. His first wife looked much older than him as she did not age well and was getting old and unattractive. Given a choice, he would surely choose a younger and more beautiful wife. In Case 3, Lucas let his first wife decide what she wanted with their marriage as it was difficult for him to choose between two women of the same kind - both were beautiful career women of about the same age. However, when a much younger, richer, and more beautiful woman came into his life, he realized that she was the one he was looking for and immediately married her. 

As I am writing this article, I couldn't help feeling how fortunate I am because I don't have to compete with other women for a man's love. OMG, that's really stressful. I only want to be myself and live a happy and carefree life doing the things I like to do each day. I don't want to be a jilted wife. I don't want to shed tears for a worthless man. I don't want to be a single mother and bring up the children alone. I only want to enjoy life and be happy. I have always been very happy being single that I don't understand why so many women are hopelessly searching for love. Even single, widowed, and divorced women in their late 60s and 70s are busy seeking love.  Some have fallen in love with romance scammers and lost their life savings in the name of love. One of my former colleagues always calls me to complain about this retired teacher, still single in her 70s, behaving like a teenager who is so obsessed with the opposite sex. And she doesn't know that everyone is laughing at her behind her back!  Is marriage so important that women cannot live without it? Does marriage really bring happiness? Given the fact that divorce and extramarital affairs are so common nowadays, I dare say that life is more meaningful if we live happily for ourselves instead of just living to please a man. I will never let a man walk into my life and make me sad. I will never let my life be contaminated by a worthless man. I only want to be the pure and perfect bride of Christ. 

Divorce brings heartache, pain, and misery - those affected have no choice but to move on. That's life. Of course a better way to look into a relationship is to study the palm as it can foretell the problems in a relationship. A broken marriage line is an indication of divorce or separation due to third party interference. A marriage line which forks at the end is an indication of one's carelessness in the relationship and for being so naive as not to know what is going on in the marriage until everything becomes too late. An island on the marriage line is also a bad omen as it indicates a troubled marriage. Perhaps early problem detection can help to save a marriage. 

To view pictures of the lines marriages, please read THE LINES OF MARRIAGE AND HOW THEY AFFECT YOUR LOVE LIFE. You may also like to read Is Marriage Really Necessary and Important in Today's World?; MARRIAGE AFTER 50: WHAT DO YOU NEED TO CONSIDER?; and How Long Should a Widower Wait to Remarry After the Death of His Wife? To view the content page of this blog, please click here.