How Long Should a Widower Wait to Remarry After the Death of His Wife?

Seashell love birds which symbolize love and commitment according to Chinese Feng Shui

As I was tidying up my old photo albums and looking at the old photos, I did not know why I suddenly started thinking of my beautiful cousin sister, Alice (not her real name), and the days we spent together when we were kids. Well, I really miss those good old school holidays when we used to play with paper dolls and our plastic cookware sets. The last time I saw her was the day when she sent me to the bus station after I visited her in another state. Since then, both of us have been very busy with our work and studies and we never met again. A few years from then, I was shocked when I got news of her death - she died in an accident on the day she went to get her graduation gown. At that instant, I really could not believe what I heard and memories of her came flooding back. She was a very ambitious woman and studied so hard for her degree. She even delayed motherhood for a few years until she has completed her studies. But when that day finally came, she left us so suddenly. Sometimes I do wonder where she is and what is happening to her. Is she in heaven or if reincarnation does happen, is she reborn in another body?

Alice is the kind of woman who always puts her husband first. When she married Andy (not his real name), there was no wedding reception on the groom's side even though Alice's mother held a grand wedding banquet for her. But, of course, Alice did not mind as she loved her husband very much. She even offered to pay for the Government housing loan via monthly salary deduction as she did not want her husband to be burdened with it - that was what she told me. When Alice died in the accident, apart from the lump sum insurance payout, Andy also automatically inherited the house without having to pay for anything as the loan balance was paid by insurance. It was a brand new house but Alice would never get the chance to stay there. She has not yet moved to her dream house.

Alice did not have an easy childhood because my uncle was a poor man. During her student days, she had to give tuition and work at a shoe shop to earn some pocket money. I felt very sad for Alice because after all her hard work, she died at such a young age when her life was just beginning to change for the better. There were so many things that she planned to do but she would not get the chance to do them now. However, I felt even sadder when I heard that her husband remarried and had a baby in less than two years after her death. No doubt their marriage ended the moment Alice died and Andy was free to remarry but he should at least wait for three years before remarrying. Why three years? To show some respect for his deceased wife. Of course there is no right or wrong amount of time to remarry but what was the hurry? He was still very young then and surely three years were nothing compared to what Alice has done for him! If he could not even wait for three years and was in a hurry to remarry, I dare say that their marriage was worthless and meaningless. I wonder how he could fill his mind with thoughts of another woman so soon after his wife's death. He should feel sad because he has lost a good wife instead of enjoying a romantic relationship with another woman. Was it because he did not love her enough? Or was there someone else already waiting for him? He is a very handsome man and since there are very few male teachers in the schools, I wouldn't be surprised if he has lots of secret admirers.

Can Andy mourn for his wife while being in love with another woman at the same time? Sounds ridiculous to me because these two women can never co-exist in his heart. How can a man love two women at the same time? When it comes to love, it is either one or the other but not both as a man who says  that he loves his deceased wife and second wife equally is inviting trouble. We cannot deny the fact that women are jealous by nature and even though Alice is dead, Andy's new wife would never be able to share her husband with another woman irrespective of whether she is alive or dead. How would she feel if Andy keeps thinking of Alice  and keeps looking at her photos from time to time? What would she do if Andy keeps talking about Alice and telling her much he misses his dead wife? Can his new wife tolerate his love for his first wife with a smile on her face saying that she does not mind? Can he mourn her for eternity? Can his love for her remain strong even after her death? To avoid trouble and arguments, the best thing to do is not to mention his first wife again because she is already the past tense or there would never be peace in the household. That is the truth of it. Try asking around and the conclusion is nobody likes her husband to keep the things that belonged to his dead wife or even talk about her - as though someone who is dead is gone with the wind.

Is it really that difficult to wait for three years before remarrying after the death of a beloved wife? My godfather remarried almost immediately after my godmother died when he was already in his seventies. So what does his 50 years of marriage to my godmother mean to him? Why was she so easily replaceable by another woman? Marriage was her everything but it seemed to have ended completely the moment she died. What was she living for all her life? Was it worth living for a man who could simply replace her with another woman? Being a very active person, my godfather used to participate in different kinds of activities which provided him with lots of opportunities to meet single, divorced, and widowed women. My godmother once told me that he had some lady friends and he always behaved in a gentlemanly way in front of them even though he did not normally behave like that. Needless to say, if one of these ladies has targeted him and asked for his hand in marriage, it was not easy for him to say 'no' to her particularly when they have known each other and have been good friends for many years. However, he died not long after his second marriage.

For most people, love and marriage are essential aspects of their lives and they would find their lives meaningless without being attached to someone. I have come across many women who always say that marriage is their everything. But does life have meaning if you live just for that one person who forgets about you and moves on with someone else as soon as you're gone? Does true love mean eternal love? Most people would say 'yes'. Does eternal love really exist? What have we learnt from Alice and my godmother? Love is not forever. If marriage isn't forever, is it worthwhile? If you can find someone who wants to marry you, go ahead and get married. If you cannot find a life partner, do not go all the way out and disgrace yourself just to get one. Sad to say, many women and grandmothers and even great-grandmothers are busy looking for love online and making themselves victims of romance scammers. Some of them are so desperate that they don't mind buying love with money. Life is certainly more than that. DO NOT sit and mourn all day long just because you do not have a man in your life and NEVER spend all your time desperately looking for a man because, who knows, he may bring you more pain than joy. There are many things that you can do to make yourself happy such as baking a chocolate cake,  buying yourself a new pair of shoes, visiting your favorite countries, or simply going for an evening walk whilst enjoying the beauty of nature. Reach out to help the poor. Remember Mother Teresa? She is not married but she would never be forgotten and would always be the most loved and most talked about woman long after she has died. And of course she lived a meaningful life!

If you were to ask me whether remarriage after spousal death is the right thing to do, my answer is a big NO. Marriage does not end with the death of a spouse - it goes on forever and contnues in heaven. As what Jesus says to Simon Peter, "Whatever you declare bound on earth shall be bound in heaven" (Matthew 16:19). Since marriages take place in Church, they should last eternally beyond death and go on forever in heaven. Death is just a temporary parting period and couples who believe in the eternity of marriage would eventually meet each other again in heaven and live happily ever after. This is the kind of marriage that is worth more than all the treasure in this world - it brings meaning to life.

You may also like to read Will your husband divorce you and marry his lover?; THE LINES OF MARRIAGE AND HOW THEY AFFECT YOUR LOVE LIFE; Is Marriage Really Necessary and Important in Today's World?; and MARRIAGE AFTER 50: WHAT DO YOU NEED TO CONSIDER? To view the content page of this blog, please click here.