MARRIAGE AFTER 50: WHAT DO YOU NEED TO CONSIDER?

Traditional Chinese Wedding Doll

The first year of my teaching career was the best time of my life. I used to go shopping alone on Saturday nights and enjoyed it very much. I did not know that there was something wrong doing my shopping alone on a Saturday night until I met one of my friends at Kota Raya Complex. When she saw me there, she shouted at me and the way she shouted really made me felt guilty. Guess what she said? Here it goes: "Aiyah... Are you sure you are alone here? Do you know that today is a Saturday? How can you be alone on a Saturday night?" In my heart I was saying, "What is so wrong about going out alone on a Saturday night? I don't see any problems with that." I just smiled at her and said that I did not like to be disturbed while doing shopping and that was why I preferred to shop alone.

I understand now why the Facebook love scammers are making so much money from their fake Facebook accounts. Because there are many women who do not want to be alone on Saturday nights out there. These are the women who can easily fall prey to love scams because they cannot live without love. The scammers know very well that no matter at what age, women need love, and their quest for love can be used as a powerful weapon to make them part with their life savings. Needless to say, the older they are, the more difficult it is for them to find love and that is why older women tend to become the favored targets of love scammers. And these love scammers are now more active than usual because many people have lost their jobs due to Covid-19 and have to resort to other ways of making money. I wonder how many of them have sent me friend requests this week. I accepted a few friend requests and it is not difficult to prove that they are sent by scammers because all of them have just created their new FB accounts. I have written some articles about Facebook love scams previously and I would not reiterate the stories of the scam victims here (You can click here to read these stories).

In this article, I am going to share the love stories of three of my teacher friends and what they think about getting married after 50. Can a woman find true love after 50? Can she have a blissful marriage in her twilight years? Why are some of them so desperate to find love late in life whilst others are not interested to get married at all? Perhaps my teacher friends can provide the answers to these questions. As a qualitative researcher, I have observed them in their natural setting for years and interviewed them several times in my attempt to understand their situations and experiences. Since the samples are small, they may not necessarily represent the population at large and I would not make any generalisations here. My intention is to understand how they derive meaning from their lives and how their meaning could affect their choices by exploring the unique aspects of each case in detail.


Case Study 1
Fanny: When Love Conquers Everything!

Fanny (not her real name) was in her 50s and was about to retire when she met her first husband. She opted to retire early because she wanted to live a happy and carefree life as school work was too stressful for her. While waiting for her retirement day, she was talking excitedly about her beautiful retirement plans. She was very eager to retire because she did not like to do so much work and wanted more time to relax. Her life suddenly changed when she met her first husband. She was so proud of herself that she went around telling everyone about her good fortune. You could have seen how excited she was as he was the only guy in her life who had promised to marry her. Being in love was good for her as she has been in seventh heaven ever since she fell in love. Why has she fallen head over heels in love with this man? What is so special about him? Well, he is a self-employed man in his 60s and has been married twice before he met Fanny. He has four children from his first marriage which ended in divorce and his second wife died leaving behind 3 children. So, how is Fanny going to cope with his ready-made family?

Whenever I meet Fanny, I could not help feeling that there is something very wrong with her. She seems to have lost the sparkle in her eyes and the natural sweet smile that she used to have. She is not as cheerful as she used to be and seems to be forever worried and upset about something. Due to Covid-19, her husband has been out of work for months and even prior to that he did not earn much. Fanny has since become the sole breadwinner of the family as she is the only one who has an income - her monthly pension. Instead of living a carefree life without work and relaxing at home, she has to cook, wash and clean for the whole family - something she hated to do when she was still single. Her plans to travel and see the world would probably never materialize even after Covid-19 has ended because she has to provide for the family. After paying for the groceries, household bills, her stepchildren's school fees / college fees / pocket money, and her husband's pocket money / medical bills, she probably does not have much left for herself. The saddest thing is, her stepchildren does not show much respect for her and often misunderstand her thinking that their father has given her a lot of money. To supplement the family's income, Fanny hopes to teach in a tuition center or become a private tutor when the Covid-19 situation improves. At the age when every retired teacher is looking forward to relax and enjoy life, Fanny is struggling to support her new family. Is this what we say the price of love? Does love really conquer everything? Did Fanny make the right choice? Well that would depend on what she really wants in her life and how she finds meaning in it. If all she needs is love, then it is worth all her sacrifices. But one thing is for sure - marrying a man with a ready-made family is one of the most difficult things for a woman. Stepmother and stepchildren seldom click. No matter what she does for them, she is not their mother. The situation becomes worse if the family is affected by financial problems. She may be trying her best to help her husband and stepchildren but often finds herself under-appreciated. Needless to say, the life of a stepmother is no fairy tale. Being in love and getting married are two different things altogether.


Case Study 2
Geraldine: Never Become a Nurse for an Ailing Old Man

Geraldine (not her real name), a teacher who has retired for six years, is just the opposite of Fanny. Although she is not bad looking, she never gets the chance to meet the right guy because she is the kind of woman that would never go all the way out to chase a guy. According to her, she is not desperate to get married and it does not matter if she remains single all her life. However, if she happened to meet her Mr. Right during her younger days, she would gladly get married and start a family. More than 10 years ago when we were teaching in the same school, she used to say that she did not mind marrying the private practice doctor who worked in a clinic near her house if he were divorced or widowed. However, she recently changed her mind when I asked her if she still fancies that doctor. According to her, since the doctor has already retired, he does not have an income and this would mean that she would have to support him. Geraldine not only does not want to support a retired old man, she also does not want to become his Florence Nightingale and be tortured by his children. Moreover, she does not want his children to have any of her wealth. She said that she does not mind taking care of him if they have been together all their lives as she has the obligation to do so but it is just not possible for her to suddenly take an old man into her house, turn herself into a nurse, and provide for him. Luckily the doctor is not widowed yet!

Some time back, Geraldine called and told me about her friend, a 71-year-old single retired teacher, who was desperately going after a 60 something retired man who has been married and divorced several times. Geraldine sounded really furious that day because her friend did not want to listen to her advice. She could not understand why her friend was so foolish as to create trouble for herself in her twilight years and become a nurse for a sick man - something which Geraldine would never do. When I sent her the article entitled Any woman must be MAD to marry over 60, this was her comment, "The mirror of my thoughts on marriage. Only stupid and naive women crave marriage in their twilight years, most probably become a nurse to an ailing old man!"

Geraldine's Whatsapp Message

Since her retirement 6 years ago, Geraldine has been traveling around the world until early this year when fears of Covid-19 changed her travel plans. Prior to Covid-19, she used to go for singing and dancing lessons but is now busy learning a foreign language at home. As she is staying alone, there isn't much housework for her to do. She is not the kind of woman who likes to cook and prefers eating out thus making life much easier for her. With nothing much to do at home, she spends a lot of time watching TV and calling her friends. She can really chat for hours over the phone! She also enjoys surfing the internet and reading the latest news. Apart from these, she does not have anything else to do - it seems that she is really living a carefree life and enjoying her retirement. Is this what she calls life? Is she happy with her life? According to Geraldine, she has never been any happier and is satisfied with everything that God has bestowed on her. Knowing that 'the other side is nearer' (which means 'death is imminent' in Chinese), she only wants to live her life to the fullest. The lesson we learn from Geraldine is one does not need a man to be happy. Do not create trouble for yourself by doing a nurse's job at the time of life when you should be relaxing. Do not burden yourself financially with a late marriage as your partner is likely to be dependent on you. Happiness is to enjoy every moment of life and not to waste time chasing after a poor and sick old man.


Case Study 3
Jenny: If You Cannot Marry Rich, Stay Single!

Jenny (not her real name), a teacher in her 50s, has never been married all her life. She is the kind of natural beauty with a perfect figure that all men would gladly die for. With so many suitors going after her during her younger days, she need not stay single if she has simply chosen any one of them. Why is she still single? Because of what she has suffered during her poor childhood days, she would not marry someone who cannot provide well for the family. Craving for things that other children had while her parents could not afford them was a painful childhood experience for her and she did not want to see her children suffer as she did. In other words, she would only marry rich. But, as usual, when there is a pretty single woman around, the guys would not let her go. She told me about a few married men who have been going after her for decades and I would describe one of them here. According to Jenny, this self-employed married man who has lost his job earlier has been pestering her since more than 20 years ago even though she has made it very clear that she was not the least interested in him. She finds him very annoying and irritating because he is extremely reluctant to give up chasing her as though he is very sure that he could make her his mistress one day. Who gives him such an idea? The women who cannot be alone on Saturday nights - those who cannot live without a man! This married man waited patiently for decades to start a relationship with Jenny because he believes that as she grows older, she would become less picky and get into an affair with him. Jenny finds his thoughts very insulting and is really furious with him. As what she said, "Even if this guy were still single, I would not consider him because I am not going to support a poor old man. A poor old married man with children who wants to take a mistress is much worse than a poor single man and only fit for the garbage bin." Perhaps his wife should be thankful that he is pursuing a woman who is not interested in him. If he has been pursuing another woman, someone who is craving for love and does not want to be alone, he would have found his mistress more than twenty years ago!

Jenny will be retiring in a few years' time and has great plans for her retirement. She said that she would not think of work after her retirement. She would not do anything related to teaching anymore - not even as a volunteer teacher as there would only be all play and no work her. She planned to spend her time traveling around the world while enjoying life. Fit and youthful, she dresses up elegantly and gives herself the best of everything - she has the best foods, clothes, handbags, shoes, watches, and jewelries. When I asked her if she would ever get married in the future, she said, "I have no money to support a man. Even if I have the money, I would not support him." When I said, "What if you happen to meet a rich man?" According to Jenny, "Even a single 71-year-old rich man prefers to marry a young lady in her 20s. If he has a lot of money, he would certainly go for the young ladies." But what if a rich old divorcee or widower really wants to marry her? Jenny dislikes the idea of marrying a divorcee or widower no matter how rich he may be because she feels that this kind of man is 'heavily burdened' with a ready-made family and like Geraldine, she does not want to have any problems with the stepchildren. She only wants to fill her mind and soul with happiness and not to bear the stepchildren's verbal insults in silence. Since she is used to being on her own, she enjoys being alone and does not feel lonely or unhappy at all. Is she satisfied with what she has? Why not? She has the best of everything and even considers her life to be a paradise on earth. The moral of her story is - enjoy life and give yourself the best of everything. Never allow anyone to come into your life to make you sad. Do not marry poor and make your life miserable. Avoid a 'heavily burdened' marriage especially if it is going to cause you to suffer in silence. Watch out for married men on the prowl. No 'cheap sale' no matter at what age!


Conclusion

A blissful marriage is still possible in the twilight years if one is patient and not so calculative. In Fanny's case, for example, once her husband's children have grown up, got married and left the house, she would have more peaceful days with her husband. By then, his children would be glad to leave him with Fanny because they need not look after him. Needless to say, Fanny's husband would be so thankful to her for taking care of him and providing for all his needs that he would love her even more. Marrying a poor old man does have its advantages as one can be assured that his children would not come back to pester their father for their share of the property and hence create problems for their stepmother. So, if Fanny can wait patiently for better days ahead and do not mind being the sole breadwinner of the family, then she would not see any problems in her marriage. Once the children are no longer with them, her monthly pension should be sufficient for her and her husband to live comfortably. As for Geraldine, her decision not to become a nurse for an ailing old man and provide for him may not be wrong since happiness means different things to different people. As long as she is enjoying what she is doing, her life is full of meaning. The same applies to Jenny who does not want to get married and suffer in silence. As an independent woman who knows how to give herself the best of everything, she would certainly do much better in life without being burdened by some kind of relationship. I wish them the best that this world could give..


You may also like to read Will your husband divorce you and marry his lover?, How Long Should a Widower Wait to Remarry After the Death of His Wife? and THE LINES OF MARRIAGE AND HOW THEY AFFECT YOUR LOVE LIFE. To view the content page of this blog, please click here.