Is Marriage Really Necessary and Important in Today's World?

One of Geraldine's retired teacher friends was nearly scammed by an unemployed young Nigerian who claimed to to be a Finnish engineer.

One of my former colleagues, Geraldine, always calls me to complain about 3 of her friends, 2 retired teachers and a divorced former librarian, who are already in their 60s and 70s, but still desperately looking for love in the wrong places. She cannot understand why these women are still so desperate for a man when they are already in their twilight years and should be living peacefully. The retired teachers nearly got scammed but their stinginess saved them. However, they have not learnt their lessons yet and are still busy looking for love everywhere. As for the divorced librarian, she still goes around looking for a man like an obsessed teenager. She even shook her breasts in front of the guys and talked to them in a seductive voice in the express bus - that reminds me of the girls in my school bus during my school days but they were only teenagers then. Does a woman in her 70s still have the mentality of a teenager? I don't understand these women either as I can only think of my long dead grandmother each time Geraldine calls to tell me about her desperate friends. When my grandmother was in her 60s, she was busy taking care of her grandchildren, sewing, washing, and cooking for all us even though my grandfather was no longer around. She had never spent a second of her life looking for love in the wrong places during her twilight years and I really can't imagine her doing that. If my grandmother were to look for a boyfriend, my cousins and I would surely laugh till our stomachs ache. 

Geraldine's 72-year-old friend shook her breasts in front of the guys in the express bus when they were going on a trip.

The case of a 67-year-old grandmother, Jette Jacobs, from Australia, who was murdered when she travelled to South Africa to meet her Nigerian lover, 28-year-old Jesse Omokoh, whom she met online, clearly showed that even our seniors are very vulnerable to romance scams. This Australian grandmother had sent more than $100,000 to her Nigerian lover who proposed to her before her trip. Then there was the case of another Australian grandmother, 54-year-old Maria Elvira Pinto Exposto, who was duped into drug trafficking after falling for an internet romance scam. The recent case (dated 23 August 2020) of a 68-year-old widow in Johor who lost RM257,172 to an online love scam syndicate after her so-called lover promised to marry her is another example of how desperate a woman can be when it comes to love. Women are most dangerous to themselves when they are desperate to be loved (Vanessa PA Evelyn). These cases can happen again and again unless they can understand that life is not just about marriage and learn how to make the most out of their lives instead of wasting their time seeking men. 

Geraldine's former colleague, a 67-year-old divorced teacher, signed up with online dating. Her 60-year-old friend, a retired teacher from Penang, nearly got scammed by a young Nigerian guy.

And the quest for love goes on. Despite the many romance scams making use of the same tricks over and over again throughout the decades, many women are still falling for this type of scams. Even teachers who are supposed to set good examples for their students are not exempted as they are ready to make unconditional sacrifices when it comes to love because love conquers everything. In a case dated 12 April 2020, a 42-year-old teacher from Pahang lost RM100,000 in an online romance scam despite travel restrictions during the movement control order (MCO). What made her believe that her lover from Indonesia could enter Malaysia to meet her in Kuala Lumpur during the MCO? The answer is - love is really blind. In another case dated 19 May 2020, a teacher in her 40s from Sibu, lost RM4000 to one Jeffrey Ben Mayne who claimed to be a London architect. He had promised to marry her in Malaysia. In a more recent case dated 11 July 2020, a 37-year-old teacher from Kepala Batas, lost RM112,000 to a love scam syndicate after falling in love with a man who claimed to be a US soldier. He had promised to come to Malaysia and marry her but he never did (You can click here to read more about the victims of Facebook love scams). 

A piece of good advice from Geraldine, "Better be a spinster than to be scammed of all our money. No need to be desperate. No need to go online or chase / seduce men, young or old. We must have our dignity."

If grandmothers and teachers are desperately seeking love, what about our young girls? On 18 July 2020, a 16-year-old girl from Ipoh threw her newborn baby, with his umbilical cord attached, from her 2nd. floor bedroom window. On 16 July 2020, a teenage college student from George Town was charged with murdering her newborn baby. She threw her baby from her 13th. floor apartment unit. On 13 May 2020, an 18-year-old shop assistant from Bayan Lepas threw her newborn baby girl from her 4th. floor flat unit. Her baby was lucky enough to survive the incident. Giving birth secretly at home, these unwed mothers had no choice but to throw their newborn babies away. Is this what we call the price of love? What is love? Irresponsible sex? It is very obvious that when these girls fell in love, they did not think of the consequences. Once, a 15-year-old student came to see me. She said that she was very sad because all her friends had boyfriends but she could not find one. Although I advised her to study first and get a boyfriend after she has completed her studies, I could feel that she would not listen to me.

During the early days of my teaching career, I met one of my friends at Kota Raya Complex on a Saturday night when I was doing my shopping alone. I always enjoy shopping alone because there is no need to rush and I can go anywhere I want. If there is someone with me, I would normally end up not buying anything at all. When this friend saw me shopping alone, she shouted in such a way that could make anyone feel guilty. Here it goes: "Aiyah... Are you sure you are alone here? Don't you know that today is Saturday? How can you be alone on a Saturday night? Well, for this kind of woman who does not want to be seen without a man on a Saturday night, her husband and children are her entire world and her only life purpose. The problem is, if her husband leaves her or dies, her whole world comes crumbling down because she cannot live without a man. To fill the vacuum in her life, she would desperately look for love everywhere and become an easy target for romance scammers. The reality is, love scammers know very well what women want and how desperate they are - that is why they are doing a lucrative business.

Is marriage so important that one cannot live without it? Does happiness mean carrying a child in your arms, playing with your children, holding hands with your husband when you go shopping, cooking and washing for your husband and children, going on family outings, sex, and kisses? Most women, irrespective of their age, love doing these things because their entire world is made up of their husband and children. But, I don't think I would enjoy doing these things at all, not even a bit. Why? Looking at my friends' rebellious teenage children, I feel thankful that I don't have to raise one. I would be really furious if I have a teenage son who keeps asking me for money to spend on his girlfriend and loses his temper when I refuse to give him the money he asks for. When I go shopping, I don't like people to pressure me to hurry and certainly feel more comfortable when I am alone. Although I am a good cook, I only cook one dish per meal, sit on the sofa in front of the TV and eat direct from the wok. No rice for me, of course, because one dish is enough. The advantage is - there is no need to cook so much and wash so much because I really hate to wash the pots and pans, plates and bowls. Talking about washing clothes, once a week is more than enough for me. The problem with me is - I can only wash my own clothes because I would feel like vomiting if I wash other people's clothes. What about family outings? I always have lot of things to do that I would be very thankful if I could find some time to be alone on the beach or in the parks with my own thoughts. And of course, sex and kisses are totally out of the question because I don't like people to touch me. Do I sound like a spoilt child? Well, I would rather be a spoilt child than a distressed and pitiful wife. Since I am so used to my carefree, worry-free, and burdenless lifestyle and am living my life to the fullest, I really cannot feel the importance of marriage. Getting married may not be a good thing for me after all because it will take away my freedom and perhaps turn me into a sulky, depressed and angry wife.

When I was just a little girl, I used to ask my mother why she got married and her answer was - she wanted someone to look after her when she grew old. That is probably one of the major reasons why people get married but the question is - how many children will actually look after their elderly parents? My grand aunt lived alone in a bungalow and died in a nursing home because none of her 4 children wanted to live with her. Although my mom's best friend has 2 children (a son and a daughter), she is also living alone because her daughter married an Australian and her daughter-in-law cannot get along with her. Her husband has already passed away many years ago leaving a lot of money in the bank for her. I can only hope that she would not be a victim of romance scammers. Well, it seems that my mother has given me a very bad answer because getting married does not guarantee that one will not be alone during the twilight years.

Getting married also does not mean that one will live happily ever after because divorce and extramarital affairs are extremely common nowadays. Suffering in silence while your husband is having an affair and raising the children alone after a painful divorce are certainly not enjoyable. Should these things happen in one's life, isn't it better not to get married at all? As for me, I choose not to take any risks because I am having a wonderful time now and I don't want things to change for the worse. Simple things like shopping for Christmas and New Year, buyng myself a present, cooking a nice dish for myself, eatings longans while watching TV, going for a walk in the park, watching my favorite movies and TVB dramas, lying on my bed and reading my favorite books, listening to my favorite songs, and going for photography can make me very happy because I know how to value life. So, why bring a man into my world to destroy me when I am living a blissful life? Frankly speaking, even if I were given a husband now, I really don't know what to do with him!

Well, I am not writing this article to discourage marriage. To those who have found their soulmate and are leading a happy family life, I would say that it is good for them. As for those who are still single, divorced, or widowed, do not think that it is the end of the world just because you don't have a man and are feeling lonely. Do you know that loneliness is a luxury? Life can be really peaceful when you are living alone. That is when you can find inner peace and discover your true self. Living alone also means that there is no one to make you angry, no worries, no arguments, no insincerity or affectedness, and, most of all, you are free to do whatever you want and this kind of freedom is really amazing. I never like people to disturb me, dirty my house and misplace my things and that is why I feel more comfortable being alone. Boredom has never found its way into my life because I always have lots of things to do. My advice is - when you are living alone, do not sit and mourn the whole day because you cannot find a man or life will be very miserable. Life is too short to be sad or wasted. The most important thing is how to fill your life with meaningful things - these things need not be complicated. Simple luxuries in life like learning how to cook by watching youtube, buying a new TV, decorating your home for Christmas, or waiting for the sunset on the beach are enough to make you feel happy if you know how to appreciate life. These things are certainly more meaningful than going for men hunting and getting into trouble. Having a man by your side does not mean that you will be really happy as he may bring more pain than joy.

To those women who can afford to give away millions to love scammers, don't you think that this amount money can make you very happy if you spend it on yourself? Giving the money away for some loving words which are not true is a sinful waste of money when the money can be used in a more meaningful way. The loving words expressed in broken Nigerian English certainly do not worth a single cent! As for the grandmothers who are desperately looking for love, don't you think that your grandchildren deserve your love and money more than the Nigerian scammers? Why not spend the money on the grandchildren and make them happy? As for the young girls, study first and love later. Do not trust men easily and never let them ruin your life.

Being single and living alone does not mean that there is no life. Believe me, your life can be very interesting if you know how to live wisely and bring meaning to it. How can this be done? Easy. Follow these rules:

Rule 1: Love yourself, don't rely on someone else to do it. Never depend on anyone for your happiness but yourself.

Rule 2: Give yourself the best of everything and make the best of everything. Life is too short to limit yourself.

Rule 3: Live in the moment and cherish every second of the day as it comes. Do not feel sad because God has given you this wonderful life to enjoy yourself. If you spend the days of your life without enjoying yourself, you will regret when you look back at your life.

If you can follow these rules, you have found the key to true and everlasting happiness. These are also my golden rules for eternal happiness, freedom, and inner peace. Looking at myself in the mirror every morning, I feel so proud of myself for being single. Why? I may not be able to maintain my slim figure and youthful looks if I were married because weight gain after childbirth is inevitable. I may not have a Ph.D. if I have a family because there would be no time to focus on my thesis. And who knows, I may have become a bitter single mother and jilted wife today with a sagging figure and gaunt appearance if I have chosen marriage. Oh No! I would rather live to pamper myself every day.

If I were to live my life again, I would still travel the same path that I have traveled all these years. I would still choose to be the pure and perfect bride of Christ because He would not destroy my life or turn me into a bitter, distressed, and pitiful woman. In Him, there is only peace and love. I am very happy because my life has never been contaminated by any man, I am healthy, I have achieved my doctorate degree, and I am free to do whatever I like to do without having to please anyone. And I am glad to say that I am having the time of my life now. Life is short, treasure it, for you will not pass this way again.

You may also like to read Will your husband divorce you and marry his lover?, MARRIAGE AFTER 50: WHAT DO YOU NEED TO CONSIDER?, How Long Should a Widower Wait to Remarry After the Death of His Wife?, and THE LINES OF MARRIAGE AND HOW THEY AFFECT YOUR LOVE LIFE. To view the content page of this blog, please click here.

Will your husband divorce you and marry his lover?

Third party interference in a marriage is an issue which everyone prefers to ignore in the hope that it is not true and everything will be fine. Many women do not mind suffering in silence because they dare not confront their husbands for fear of losing them. They will rather keep one eye close as long as their husbands know the way home and have no intention to divorce them. This is because divorce can be very painful for a woman especially if she has given herself entirely to her husband and family. 

Although I have never been married before, this does not prevent me from observing what is happening to other people's marriages. As a keen observer, I have come across many marriages that ended on the rocks due to third party interferences. The recent article dated 6 September 2020 entitled "Wanita Sarat Hamil Tanpa Si Suami," Diceraikan Talak 3 Demi Perempuan Lain (Husband Divorced Heavily Pregnant Wife for Another Woman) made me feel sad even though I did not know this woman. The other woman refused to leave her husband no matter what and her husband did not want to wait until the baby is born to divorce her. I hope that she will face the future bravely and find happiness one day. In this article, I would like to share three real life stories about marital infidelity that I have been observing for years, or to be exact, more than 20 years. The descriptions of the main characters in these stories have been slightly modified to conceal their real identities.

Case 1:  Woman struggled to raise her children after being dumped by lover

Shirley used to be a very beautiful girl during her younger days but she was really unlucky to have fallen in love with Nick, a married man with 2 children. Nick told her that he no longer had any feelings for his estranged wife and promised to marry her 'one day' but little did she know that his 'one day' would mean 'never' (even an outsider like me could see that he was only taking advantage of her but at that time she was so blinded by his love that she would listen to no one). Believing that he would marry her one day, Shirley quit her job and went to live with him. She built many wonderful dreams of a blissful marriage life in the air while waiting for him to fulfil his empty promises. For 12 years, she waited for him to divorce his wife and marry her but all he could ever do was to make more empty promises. It seemed that the issue of divorce was entirely out of discussion. Nick was actually enjoying the companionship of both his wife and mistress. Shirley felt cheated but the arrivals of their sons left her without a choice but to continue living with him in the hope that his empty promises would come true one day but they never materialized. It wasn't easy for her to bear the criticisms of her neighbors, relatives, and friends but all she could ever do was to turn a deaf ear to them.

As the years went by, Nick's attitude towards her changed and they began to quarrel. Their heated arguments soon led to a complete estrangement between them. It was only then that Shirley began to realize that he wasn't the man for her and it was meaningless to live with him any longer. She left him and brought her two sons with her. It was not easy for her to start a new career at that age - if she did not quit her job and went to live with Nick, she could have better career prospects today and has probably married a decent man. No doubt, she has learnt a lesson after all but this lesson was far too expensive because she has given up her bright future for a worthless man. However, for the sake of her sons, she must learn to be independent and brave the storm.

On the other hand, Nick's wife has also learnt a very important lesson - keep one eye closed when your husband is fooling around as long as he knows how to come home. Needless to say, she was not happy with the presence of another woman in her husband's life for so many years but her patience and tolerance had helped her to win her husband back without the need of confrontation. Today, she does not have to share her husband with anyone anymore. At his age, Nick is a faithful husband and perfect family man who is enjoying the warmth of family love. Every cloud has a silver lining - it does not matter what her husband did to her anymore because they are going to have a blissful marriage life in the future. After Nick's extramarital affair, he would probably love and cherish his wife even more.

Case 2:  Husband dumped wife for a woman 20 years younger

Not everyone is as lucky as Nick's wife because some men do not know their way home after fooling around and Zoey's husband, Kenny, is such a man. Both Zoey and her husband are successful entrepreneurs and they have 4 children. But, when Zoey first met her husband, he was only a poor man and since she had a rich father, she decided to help him set up his own business. Because of her care and concern for him, they soon fell in love and got married not long after that even though Zoey's parents did not really approve the marriage because they felt that their daughter was too good for her husband.

For 20 years, their marriage was a blissful one as there was no third party interference. But the presence of Selina changed everything. Selina was a young entrepreneur in her 20s who had business dealings with Kenny's company. The bad news for Zoey was these business dealings later transformed into a romantic relationship between Kenny and Selina. At 48, Kenny looked young for his age whilst his wife looked more like his mother.  With 4 grown-up children, he probably wanted to look for some new excitement in his life and since Selina was young and beautiful, he couldn't find any reason why he shouldn't fall in love with her especially when the girl was already showing some interest in him. 

So Kenny divorced his wife and married Selina. Together they started a new family and a very blissful one too. Too bad for Zoey, she still hasn't found her new love today. At her age, the chances of her finding true love are depressingly slim. What was Zoey's greatest mistake? She should have looked for tell-tale signs of her husband's affair before it was too late but she just trusted him too much until the situation got out of hand. Although she did not mind her husband keeping a secret mistress as long as he did not divorce her for the sake of the children, he could not keep his marriage vows anymore because Selina did not want to be his secret mistress. The young and beautiful Selina wanted to be legally married to Kenny and she did not like the idea of sharing her husband with Zoey. 

Case 3:  Husband dumped wife and old lover to marry his new lover

As the third party in an affair, Linda was not as lucky as Selina as her life has been completely destroyed by this affair even though Lucas' wife left him in the end. Linda and Lucas worked in the same company. At the time they first met, Lucas was already married with 2 children. Despite of his affair with Linda, Lucas was still very much in love with his wife and he was a responsible father. However, he kept assuring Linda that he would divorce his wife and marry her and this went on for many years. Known as the 'third party' and marriage wrecker, Linda did not have a very good reputation but she endured all criticisms because of her love for this man. 

Lucas' wife finally couldn't stand her husband anymore and divorced him. She left for another country with their 2 children and since then Lucas has never heard from them again. Linda, who was pregnant, was very happy because Lucas has finally decided to marry her. However, her happiness did not last long because Lucas fell in love with another girl, in her early 20s, while on a business trip abroad. This beautiful young lady was the daughter of a rich man and it seemed that she was the best choice for him at that time. Why? Linda was already in her mid 30s and she was not as rich as this young lady. Could she blame Lucas for dumping her?  What has he done? He only wanted to have the best of everything for himself. When news of his marriage reached Linda, she was so devastated that she had a miscarriage. Today, Linda is still single as she no longer has any confidence in any relationship. 

Conclusion

Based on the cases above, one cannot deny the fact that the secret to get a man hooked is to be his ideal woman and the best among the best. Being a woman is therefore not easy as there is always the possibility that she may have to compete with another woman for her husband's love. And of course her husband will choose the better one between the two of them. In Case 1, Nick did not wish to divorce his wife because there wasn't much difference between his wife and mistress as they belonged to the same kind - both were housewives of around the same age. What's the purpose of getting rid of one woman and then marrying another woman who is more or less similar to the first wife? Isn't it better to enjoy the best of both worlds? As for Case 2, Kenny's decision to leave his wife for a woman 20 years younger may not be unreasonable, or at least that was how he felt. His first wife looked much older than him as she did not age well and was getting old and unattractive. Given a choice, he would surely choose a younger and more beautiful wife. In Case 3, Lucas let his first wife decide what she wanted with their marriage as it was difficult for him to choose between two women of the same kind - both were beautiful career women of about the same age. However, when a much younger, richer, and more beautiful woman came into his life, he realized that she was the one he was looking for and immediately married her. 

As I am writing this article, I couldn't help feeling how fortunate I am because I don't have to compete with other women for a man's love. OMG, that's really stressful. I only want to be myself and live a happy and carefree life doing the things I like to do each day. I don't want to be a jilted wife. I don't want to shed tears for a worthless man. I don't want to be a single mother and bring up the children alone. I only want to enjoy life and be happy. I have always been very happy being single that I don't understand why so many women are hopelessly searching for love. Even single, widowed, and divorced women in their late 60s and 70s are busy seeking love.  Some have fallen in love with romance scammers and lost their life savings in the name of love. One of my former colleagues always calls me to complain about this retired teacher, still single in her 70s, behaving like a teenager who is so obsessed with the opposite sex. And she doesn't know that everyone is laughing at her behind her back!  Is marriage so important that women cannot live without it? Does marriage really bring happiness? Given the fact that divorce and extramarital affairs are so common nowadays, I dare say that life is more meaningful if we live happily for ourselves instead of just living to please a man. I will never let a man walk into my life and make me sad. I will never let my life be contaminated by a worthless man. I only want to be the pure and perfect bride of Christ. 

Divorce brings heartache, pain, and misery - those affected have no choice but to move on. That's life. Of course a better way to look into a relationship is to study the palm as it can foretell the problems in a relationship. A broken marriage line is an indication of divorce or separation due to third party interference. A marriage line which forks at the end is an indication of one's carelessness in the relationship and for being so naive as not to know what is going on in the marriage until everything becomes too late. An island on the marriage line is also a bad omen as it indicates a troubled marriage. Perhaps early problem detection can help to save a marriage. 

To view pictures of the lines marriages, please read THE LINES OF MARRIAGE AND HOW THEY AFFECT YOUR LOVE LIFE. You may also like to read Is Marriage Really Necessary and Important in Today's World?; MARRIAGE AFTER 50: WHAT DO YOU NEED TO CONSIDER?; and How Long Should a Widower Wait to Remarry After the Death of His Wife? To view the content page of this blog, please click here.

How Long Should a Widower Wait to Remarry After the Death of His Wife?

Seashell love birds which symbolize love and commitment according to Chinese Feng Shui

As I was tidying up my old photo albums and looking at the old photos, I did not know why I suddenly started thinking of my beautiful cousin sister, Alice (not her real name), and the days we spent together when we were kids. Well, I really miss those good old school holidays when we used to play with paper dolls and our plastic cookware sets. The last time I saw her was the day when she sent me to the bus station after I visited her in another state. Since then, both of us have been very busy with our work and studies and we never met again. A few years from then, I was shocked when I got news of her death - she died in an accident on the day she went to get her graduation gown. At that instant, I really could not believe what I heard and memories of her came flooding back. She was a very ambitious woman and studied so hard for her degree. She even delayed motherhood for a few years until she has completed her studies. But when that day finally came, she left us so suddenly. Sometimes I do wonder where she is and what is happening to her. Is she in heaven or if reincarnation does happen, is she reborn in another body?

Alice is the kind of woman who always puts her husband first. When she married Andy (not his real name), there was no wedding reception on the groom's side even though Alice's mother held a grand wedding banquet for her. But, of course, Alice did not mind as she loved her husband very much. She even offered to pay for the Government housing loan via monthly salary deduction as she did not want her husband to be burdened with it - that was what she told me. When Alice died in the accident, apart from the lump sum insurance payout, Andy also automatically inherited the house without having to pay for anything as the loan balance was paid by insurance. It was a brand new house but Alice would never get the chance to stay there. She has not yet moved to her dream house.

Alice did not have an easy childhood because my uncle was a poor man. During her student days, she had to give tuition and work at a shoe shop to earn some pocket money. I felt very sad for Alice because after all her hard work, she died at such a young age when her life was just beginning to change for the better. There were so many things that she planned to do but she would not get the chance to do them now. However, I felt even sadder when I heard that her husband remarried and had a baby in less than two years after her death. No doubt their marriage ended the moment Alice died and Andy was free to remarry but he should at least wait for three years before remarrying. Why three years? To show some respect for his deceased wife. Of course there is no right or wrong amount of time to remarry but what was the hurry? He was still very young then and surely three years were nothing compared to what Alice has done for him! If he could not even wait for three years and was in a hurry to remarry, I dare say that their marriage was worthless and meaningless. I wonder how he could fill his mind with thoughts of another woman so soon after his wife's death. He should feel sad because he has lost a good wife instead of enjoying a romantic relationship with another woman. Was it because he did not love her enough? Or was there someone else already waiting for him? He is a very handsome man and since there are very few male teachers in the schools, I wouldn't be surprised if he has lots of secret admirers.

Can Andy mourn for his wife while being in love with another woman at the same time? Sounds ridiculous to me because these two women can never co-exist in his heart. How can a man love two women at the same time? When it comes to love, it is either one or the other but not both as a man who says  that he loves his deceased wife and second wife equally is inviting trouble. We cannot deny the fact that women are jealous by nature and even though Alice is dead, Andy's new wife would never be able to share her husband with another woman irrespective of whether she is alive or dead. How would she feel if Andy keeps thinking of Alice  and keeps looking at her photos from time to time? What would she do if Andy keeps talking about Alice and telling her much he misses his dead wife? Can his new wife tolerate his love for his first wife with a smile on her face saying that she does not mind? Can he mourn her for eternity? Can his love for her remain strong even after her death? To avoid trouble and arguments, the best thing to do is not to mention his first wife again because she is already the past tense or there would never be peace in the household. That is the truth of it. Try asking around and the conclusion is nobody likes her husband to keep the things that belonged to his dead wife or even talk about her - as though someone who is dead is gone with the wind.

Is it really that difficult to wait for three years before remarrying after the death of a beloved wife? My godfather remarried almost immediately after my godmother died when he was already in his seventies. So what does his 50 years of marriage to my godmother mean to him? Why was she so easily replaceable by another woman? Marriage was her everything but it seemed to have ended completely the moment she died. What was she living for all her life? Was it worth living for a man who could simply replace her with another woman? Being a very active person, my godfather used to participate in different kinds of activities which provided him with lots of opportunities to meet single, divorced, and widowed women. My godmother once told me that he had some lady friends and he always behaved in a gentlemanly way in front of them even though he did not normally behave like that. Needless to say, if one of these ladies has targeted him and asked for his hand in marriage, it was not easy for him to say 'no' to her particularly when they have known each other and have been good friends for many years. However, he died not long after his second marriage.

For most people, love and marriage are essential aspects of their lives and they would find their lives meaningless without being attached to someone. I have come across many women who always say that marriage is their everything. But does life have meaning if you live just for that one person who forgets about you and moves on with someone else as soon as you're gone? Does true love mean eternal love? Most people would say 'yes'. Does eternal love really exist? What have we learnt from Alice and my godmother? Love is not forever. If marriage isn't forever, is it worthwhile? If you can find someone who wants to marry you, go ahead and get married. If you cannot find a life partner, do not go all the way out and disgrace yourself just to get one. Sad to say, many women and grandmothers and even great-grandmothers are busy looking for love online and making themselves victims of romance scammers. Some of them are so desperate that they don't mind buying love with money. Life is certainly more than that. DO NOT sit and mourn all day long just because you do not have a man in your life and NEVER spend all your time desperately looking for a man because, who knows, he may bring you more pain than joy. There are many things that you can do to make yourself happy such as baking a chocolate cake,  buying yourself a new pair of shoes, visiting your favorite countries, or simply going for an evening walk whilst enjoying the beauty of nature. Reach out to help the poor. Remember Mother Teresa? She is not married but she would never be forgotten and would always be the most loved and most talked about woman long after she has died. And of course she lived a meaningful life!

If you were to ask me whether remarriage after spousal death is the right thing to do, my answer is a big NO. Marriage does not end with the death of a spouse - it goes on forever and contnues in heaven. As what Jesus says to Simon Peter, "Whatever you declare bound on earth shall be bound in heaven" (Matthew 16:19). Since marriages take place in Church, they should last eternally beyond death and go on forever in heaven. Death is just a temporary parting period and couples who believe in the eternity of marriage would eventually meet each other again in heaven and live happily ever after. This is the kind of marriage that is worth more than all the treasure in this world - it brings meaning to life.

You may also like to read Will your husband divorce you and marry his lover?; THE LINES OF MARRIAGE AND HOW THEY AFFECT YOUR LOVE LIFE; Is Marriage Really Necessary and Important in Today's World?; and MARRIAGE AFTER 50: WHAT DO YOU NEED TO CONSIDER? To view the content page of this blog, please click here.

MARRIAGE AFTER 50: WHAT DO YOU NEED TO CONSIDER?

Traditional Chinese Wedding Doll

The first year of my teaching career was the best time of my life. I used to go shopping alone on Saturday nights and enjoyed it very much. I did not know that there was something wrong doing my shopping alone on a Saturday night until I met one of my friends at Kota Raya Complex. When she saw me there, she shouted at me and the way she shouted really made me felt guilty. Guess what she said? Here it goes: "Aiyah... Are you sure you are alone here? Do you know that today is a Saturday? How can you be alone on a Saturday night?" In my heart I was saying, "What is so wrong about going out alone on a Saturday night? I don't see any problems with that." I just smiled at her and said that I did not like to be disturbed while doing shopping and that was why I preferred to shop alone.

I understand now why the Facebook love scammers are making so much money from their fake Facebook accounts. Because there are many women who do not want to be alone on Saturday nights out there. These are the women who can easily fall prey to love scams because they cannot live without love. The scammers know very well that no matter at what age, women need love, and their quest for love can be used as a powerful weapon to make them part with their life savings. Needless to say, the older they are, the more difficult it is for them to find love and that is why older women tend to become the favored targets of love scammers. And these love scammers are now more active than usual because many people have lost their jobs due to Covid-19 and have to resort to other ways of making money. I wonder how many of them have sent me friend requests this week. I accepted a few friend requests and it is not difficult to prove that they are sent by scammers because all of them have just created their new FB accounts. I have written some articles about Facebook love scams previously and I would not reiterate the stories of the scam victims here (You can click here to read these stories).

In this article, I am going to share the love stories of three of my teacher friends and what they think about getting married after 50. Can a woman find true love after 50? Can she have a blissful marriage in her twilight years? Why are some of them so desperate to find love late in life whilst others are not interested to get married at all? Perhaps my teacher friends can provide the answers to these questions. As a qualitative researcher, I have observed them in their natural setting for years and interviewed them several times in my attempt to understand their situations and experiences. Since the samples are small, they may not necessarily represent the population at large and I would not make any generalisations here. My intention is to understand how they derive meaning from their lives and how their meaning could affect their choices by exploring the unique aspects of each case in detail.


Case Study 1
Fanny: When Love Conquers Everything!

Fanny (not her real name) was in her 50s and was about to retire when she met her first husband. She opted to retire early because she wanted to live a happy and carefree life as school work was too stressful for her. While waiting for her retirement day, she was talking excitedly about her beautiful retirement plans. She was very eager to retire because she did not like to do so much work and wanted more time to relax. Her life suddenly changed when she met her first husband. She was so proud of herself that she went around telling everyone about her good fortune. You could have seen how excited she was as he was the only guy in her life who had promised to marry her. Being in love was good for her as she has been in seventh heaven ever since she fell in love. Why has she fallen head over heels in love with this man? What is so special about him? Well, he is a self-employed man in his 60s and has been married twice before he met Fanny. He has four children from his first marriage which ended in divorce and his second wife died leaving behind 3 children. So, how is Fanny going to cope with his ready-made family?

Whenever I meet Fanny, I could not help feeling that there is something very wrong with her. She seems to have lost the sparkle in her eyes and the natural sweet smile that she used to have. She is not as cheerful as she used to be and seems to be forever worried and upset about something. Due to Covid-19, her husband has been out of work for months and even prior to that he did not earn much. Fanny has since become the sole breadwinner of the family as she is the only one who has an income - her monthly pension. Instead of living a carefree life without work and relaxing at home, she has to cook, wash and clean for the whole family - something she hated to do when she was still single. Her plans to travel and see the world would probably never materialize even after Covid-19 has ended because she has to provide for the family. After paying for the groceries, household bills, her stepchildren's school fees / college fees / pocket money, and her husband's pocket money / medical bills, she probably does not have much left for herself. The saddest thing is, her stepchildren does not show much respect for her and often misunderstand her thinking that their father has given her a lot of money. To supplement the family's income, Fanny hopes to teach in a tuition center or become a private tutor when the Covid-19 situation improves. At the age when every retired teacher is looking forward to relax and enjoy life, Fanny is struggling to support her new family. Is this what we say the price of love? Does love really conquer everything? Did Fanny make the right choice? Well that would depend on what she really wants in her life and how she finds meaning in it. If all she needs is love, then it is worth all her sacrifices. But one thing is for sure - marrying a man with a ready-made family is one of the most difficult things for a woman. Stepmother and stepchildren seldom click. No matter what she does for them, she is not their mother. The situation becomes worse if the family is affected by financial problems. She may be trying her best to help her husband and stepchildren but often finds herself under-appreciated. Needless to say, the life of a stepmother is no fairy tale. Being in love and getting married are two different things altogether.


Case Study 2
Geraldine: Never Become a Nurse for an Ailing Old Man

Geraldine (not her real name), a teacher who has retired for six years, is just the opposite of Fanny. Although she is not bad looking, she never gets the chance to meet the right guy because she is the kind of woman that would never go all the way out to chase a guy. According to her, she is not desperate to get married and it does not matter if she remains single all her life. However, if she happened to meet her Mr. Right during her younger days, she would gladly get married and start a family. More than 10 years ago when we were teaching in the same school, she used to say that she did not mind marrying the private practice doctor who worked in a clinic near her house if he were divorced or widowed. However, she recently changed her mind when I asked her if she still fancies that doctor. According to her, since the doctor has already retired, he does not have an income and this would mean that she would have to support him. Geraldine not only does not want to support a retired old man, she also does not want to become his Florence Nightingale and be tortured by his children. Moreover, she does not want his children to have any of her wealth. She said that she does not mind taking care of him if they have been together all their lives as she has the obligation to do so but it is just not possible for her to suddenly take an old man into her house, turn herself into a nurse, and provide for him. Luckily the doctor is not widowed yet!

Some time back, Geraldine called and told me about her friend, a 71-year-old single retired teacher, who was desperately going after a 60 something retired man who has been married and divorced several times. Geraldine sounded really furious that day because her friend did not want to listen to her advice. She could not understand why her friend was so foolish as to create trouble for herself in her twilight years and become a nurse for a sick man - something which Geraldine would never do. When I sent her the article entitled Any woman must be MAD to marry over 60, this was her comment, "The mirror of my thoughts on marriage. Only stupid and naive women crave marriage in their twilight years, most probably become a nurse to an ailing old man!"

Geraldine's Whatsapp Message

Since her retirement 6 years ago, Geraldine has been traveling around the world until early this year when fears of Covid-19 changed her travel plans. Prior to Covid-19, she used to go for singing and dancing lessons but is now busy learning a foreign language at home. As she is staying alone, there isn't much housework for her to do. She is not the kind of woman who likes to cook and prefers eating out thus making life much easier for her. With nothing much to do at home, she spends a lot of time watching TV and calling her friends. She can really chat for hours over the phone! She also enjoys surfing the internet and reading the latest news. Apart from these, she does not have anything else to do - it seems that she is really living a carefree life and enjoying her retirement. Is this what she calls life? Is she happy with her life? According to Geraldine, she has never been any happier and is satisfied with everything that God has bestowed on her. Knowing that 'the other side is nearer' (which means 'death is imminent' in Chinese), she only wants to live her life to the fullest. The lesson we learn from Geraldine is one does not need a man to be happy. Do not create trouble for yourself by doing a nurse's job at the time of life when you should be relaxing. Do not burden yourself financially with a late marriage as your partner is likely to be dependent on you. Happiness is to enjoy every moment of life and not to waste time chasing after a poor and sick old man.


Case Study 3
Jenny: If You Cannot Marry Rich, Stay Single!

Jenny (not her real name), a teacher in her 50s, has never been married all her life. She is the kind of natural beauty with a perfect figure that all men would gladly die for. With so many suitors going after her during her younger days, she need not stay single if she has simply chosen any one of them. Why is she still single? Because of what she has suffered during her poor childhood days, she would not marry someone who cannot provide well for the family. Craving for things that other children had while her parents could not afford them was a painful childhood experience for her and she did not want to see her children suffer as she did. In other words, she would only marry rich. But, as usual, when there is a pretty single woman around, the guys would not let her go. She told me about a few married men who have been going after her for decades and I would describe one of them here. According to Jenny, this self-employed married man who has lost his job earlier has been pestering her since more than 20 years ago even though she has made it very clear that she was not the least interested in him. She finds him very annoying and irritating because he is extremely reluctant to give up chasing her as though he is very sure that he could make her his mistress one day. Who gives him such an idea? The women who cannot be alone on Saturday nights - those who cannot live without a man! This married man waited patiently for decades to start a relationship with Jenny because he believes that as she grows older, she would become less picky and get into an affair with him. Jenny finds his thoughts very insulting and is really furious with him. As what she said, "Even if this guy were still single, I would not consider him because I am not going to support a poor old man. A poor old married man with children who wants to take a mistress is much worse than a poor single man and only fit for the garbage bin." Perhaps his wife should be thankful that he is pursuing a woman who is not interested in him. If he has been pursuing another woman, someone who is craving for love and does not want to be alone, he would have found his mistress more than twenty years ago!

Jenny will be retiring in a few years' time and has great plans for her retirement. She said that she would not think of work after her retirement. She would not do anything related to teaching anymore - not even as a volunteer teacher as there would only be all play and no work her. She planned to spend her time traveling around the world while enjoying life. Fit and youthful, she dresses up elegantly and gives herself the best of everything - she has the best foods, clothes, handbags, shoes, watches, and jewelries. When I asked her if she would ever get married in the future, she said, "I have no money to support a man. Even if I have the money, I would not support him." When I said, "What if you happen to meet a rich man?" According to Jenny, "Even a single 71-year-old rich man prefers to marry a young lady in her 20s. If he has a lot of money, he would certainly go for the young ladies." But what if a rich old divorcee or widower really wants to marry her? Jenny dislikes the idea of marrying a divorcee or widower no matter how rich he may be because she feels that this kind of man is 'heavily burdened' with a ready-made family and like Geraldine, she does not want to have any problems with the stepchildren. She only wants to fill her mind and soul with happiness and not to bear the stepchildren's verbal insults in silence. Since she is used to being on her own, she enjoys being alone and does not feel lonely or unhappy at all. Is she satisfied with what she has? Why not? She has the best of everything and even considers her life to be a paradise on earth. The moral of her story is - enjoy life and give yourself the best of everything. Never allow anyone to come into your life to make you sad. Do not marry poor and make your life miserable. Avoid a 'heavily burdened' marriage especially if it is going to cause you to suffer in silence. Watch out for married men on the prowl. No 'cheap sale' no matter at what age!


Conclusion

A blissful marriage is still possible in the twilight years if one is patient and not so calculative. In Fanny's case, for example, once her husband's children have grown up, got married and left the house, she would have more peaceful days with her husband. By then, his children would be glad to leave him with Fanny because they need not look after him. Needless to say, Fanny's husband would be so thankful to her for taking care of him and providing for all his needs that he would love her even more. Marrying a poor old man does have its advantages as one can be assured that his children would not come back to pester their father for their share of the property and hence create problems for their stepmother. So, if Fanny can wait patiently for better days ahead and do not mind being the sole breadwinner of the family, then she would not see any problems in her marriage. Once the children are no longer with them, her monthly pension should be sufficient for her and her husband to live comfortably. As for Geraldine, her decision not to become a nurse for an ailing old man and provide for him may not be wrong since happiness means different things to different people. As long as she is enjoying what she is doing, her life is full of meaning. The same applies to Jenny who does not want to get married and suffer in silence. As an independent woman who knows how to give herself the best of everything, she would certainly do much better in life without being burdened by some kind of relationship. I wish them the best that this world could give..


You may also like to read Will your husband divorce you and marry his lover?, How Long Should a Widower Wait to Remarry After the Death of His Wife? and THE LINES OF MARRIAGE AND HOW THEY AFFECT YOUR LOVE LIFE. To view the content page of this blog, please click here.

THE MYSTIQUE OF LOVE AND MARRIAGE

Traditional Chinese wedding dolls 

Then Paul stood in the meeting of the Areopagus and said, "Men of Athens, I perceive that in all things you are too superstitious. As I walked around looking carefully at your shrines, I found an altar with this inscription, 'To a God Unknown'. So you are worshiping in ignorance and this is what I am going to make known to you" (Acts 17:22-23).

Since love, courtship and marriage are important events in human life, so important that our women would sacrifice everything to find a lover, the desire to know the future, especially among young girls, has been an urgent need since time immemorial (If you are interested in palmistry, please click here to find out how the lines of marriage can affect your love life). Due to the passionate nature of love itself, it is nothing surprising why many young girls, especially teenage girls, want to know how and where to find a boyfriend and who their future husband would be. This is perhaps the reason why the superstitions about love and marriage continue from one generation to another even though they may sound ridiculous, weird or even spooky. 

I will begin with the apple since it has always had an essential role to play in love probably because it is the forbidden fruit that caused the fall of Adam and Eve. When I was fourteen, my girlfriends believed that if they peel the skin of an apple in a long continuous strip in front of the mirror at midnight, they would be able to see the image of their future soul mate in the mirror. If it breaks, according to them, their future soul mate would die. One of my classmates tried out this method and reported that she did see the face of someone in the mirror. She encouraged me to try out this method but at that time I was worried that I would kill someone should the apple skin break and chose not to do so.

Many generations of young girls have peeled the skin of an apple in a continuous piece and tossed it over their left shoulder in the belief that it will fall in the shape of a letter showing the first letter of their true love's Christian name. If it breaks, it is an omen that they would end up as old maids. A girl who wants to know how much her boyfriend loves her would drop a pip from an apple she has eaten on to the fire whilst whispering his name softly. If it goes off with a cracking sound, then it is an indication that he is head over heels in love with her. 

One of the simplest and most popular of all love rituals is The Daisy Oracle (He loves me, He loves me not) which goes all the way back to medieval times. Just get a daisy and pluck off its petals saying "He loves me" with the first petal and "He loves me not" for the next petal. This is repeated until the last petal and what is said predicts whether there is love or no love. In America, it is believed that if a young girl holds a mirror over a well, the face of her future spouse will be reflected in it. In Britain, however, it is believed that a young girl who sleeps with a mirror under her pillow will dream of her future spouse. Similarly, she will dream of her future spouse if she sleeps with daisies or a piece of wedding cake under her pillow. 

It is also believed that if a young girl goes to a churchyard at midnight and walks around it twelve times, the ghostly shape of her future husband will appear. According to Hungarian folklore, if a single woman picks twelve sage leaves in the garden at midnight and holds them to her heart, the shadowy form of her future husband will appear on the other side of the garden. If she picks twelve sage leaves at midday on 25 April (The Feast of St. Mark) or at midnight on Midsummer's Eve, the first unmarried man who comes along will be her husband. 

One of the most appealing superstitious beliefs suggests that once a girl has set her heart on a man, she should pick two long-stemmed roses, naming one for herself and one for her dream man, twine the stems together, and repeat these words before going to bed:

Twine, twine and intertwine,

Let my love be wholly mine;

If his heart be kind and true,

Deeper grow the rose's hue.

And the rose is expected to turn darker in color should her wishes come true. In America, there is a simpler way to make your boyfriend love you - just wink at the biggest star that you can find before you go to sleep. An alternative way is to voodoo him to fall in love with you since a voodoo love spell is a powerful love spell that works almost instantly but, of course, this is very unethical. What will happen if the spell is broken? 

If a woman desperately wants to keep her man, it is not uncommon for her to use black magic on him. In this aspect, the Miao people, a minority ethnic group living in Southern China, are well-known for their black magic and witchcraft. Also known as "gu", it is a concentrated poison taken from five poisonous creatures; the scorpion, centipede, venomous snake, spider, and toad. Travelers to this region who have been seduced by the Miao women would have unknowingly taken meals laced with this powerful poison and if they return to their lovers within the time they have promised, they would be given an antidote. If they do not intend to keep their promises, they would die of "gu" poisoning. Since this deadly poison is tasteless and does not act immediately, its victims can live their normal lives before they begin to feel sick. Once they begin to feel sick, the poison would destroy them from within and they cannot escape death without the antidote.

If the "gu" is too deadly, there is probably an easier way to keep your man. I remember watching a Chinese documentary about ghosts and superstitions some years back. In one of its episodes, the "master" talked about an artiste who was living with his girlfriend and he was shocked when he found out that his girlfriend has been collecting his pubic hair and keeping it in the belief that he would belong to her forever if she keeps his pubic hair.

The kiss, which is the symbol of love, is also surrounded by various superstitions. Being kissed by someone who leans over your shoulder is believed to be unlucky as it is common sense that anything performed from behind makes you vulnerable to attack. It is a bad omen to kiss someone on the nose as superstition claims that this will cause a quarrel. The 'love bite' is also believed to be a bad omen because it is often associated with vampires and may cause a couple to break up.

Even love letters are not exempted from superstitious beliefs as indicated in the following examples. Superstition says that if your hand trembles while you are writing the letter, your lover has a strong affection for you. Making a blot while you are at work indicates that your lover is thinking of you at that particular moment. Never post a love letter on a Sunday (you will quarrel with your lover if you do) and never send an insufficiently stamped letter. If two different admirers send you a letter in the same post, it is an indication that you are never going to marry either of them. Lastly, burning love letters is considered a very bad omen so always tear your love letters instead of burning them if you don't want to lead a miserable life.

As for engagement rings, superstition claims that there are precious stones most appropriate for the month you get engaged. The garnet which symbolizes commitment in love is the birthstone for January, the amethyst which symbolizes spirituality, integrity, and purity of heart is the birthstone for February, and the bloodstone which is known as a stone of courage is March's birthstone. The diamond which symbolizes eternal love is the birthstone for April while the birthstone of May is the emerald which symbolizes a happy and successful marriage. The agate symbolizing health and long life is for June; the carnelian symbolizing a contented mind is for July; the sardonyx symbolizing courage, happiness, and clear communication is for August; for September, the sapphire, symbolizing fidelity and integrity; for October, the opal symbolizing faithfulness, confidence, and creativity; for November, the topaz symbolizing love and fidelity; for December, the turquoise which is a symbol of love.

To propose to your lover on a train, bus or in any public place is considered unlucky and if a man encounters a snake on his way to propose he should postpone his proposal because or it will bring bad luck. If he is being interrupted by another woman when proposing, this woman will become his second wife some day. It is better off for a man to stay single if he is refused three times as he would be happier being a bachelor. Superstition also explains that anyone who receives a marriage proposal at a dance but rejected it will have a lot of bad luck. And of course, a woman should never propose to a man as there is an old belief which says that a woman who is so eager to get married and ended up proposing to a man will end up begging for bread.

The maid who asks a man to wed,

Will come to want and beg for bread.

The belief that May is an inauspicious month for weddings and June an auspicious one originated with the Romans. The old superstition which says, "Marry in May, rue the day" has been around since the days of ancient Rome. The month of May was named after Maia, a reclusive Goddess who dwelt alone in wild caves far from civilization and is therefore an unsuitable deity for lovers. To be safe, avoid the month of May, especially the 13th. June, however, was named after the much loved and fiercely loyal wife of Jupiter, Juno, the Roman Goddess of marriage and childbirth. For the Chinese, August is a lucky month in which to get married and this is particularly true if the wedding date is on the 8th of August because 8 is a lucky number for wedding. The Chinese, however, would avoid the ghost months, March (tomb-sweeping Ching Ming Festival), July (Hungry Ghost Festival), and October (ancestor memorials Chung Yeung Festival) as these are inauspicious for wedding. As for the days of the week to wed, Monday is believed to be good for wealth, Tuesday for health, Wednesday the best day of all, Thursday for losses, Friday for crosses, and Saturday which the most popular day to marry is the unluckiest day. 

What would you give as wedding gifts? Never give the couple a knife set as a wedding gift even though they love to cook because knives cut things in two - this is bad luck as the knife set signifies a broken relationship. Like the knife set, scissors are also a bad wedding gift. In Chinese 'giving clock' means 'attending a funeral ceremony' and therefore it is bad luck to give a clock as a wedding gift as it means "the end." Giving a mirror is a sign of bad luck because, according to a superstition which originated in Ancient Rome, breaking a mirror brings seven years of bad luck. 

According to folklore, the bridesmaid who catches the bride's bouquet will be the next to marry but if she stumbles on the way to the altar, it is likely that she would never marry at all. Never let another woman try on your engagement ring as she will steal the heart of your husband and your wedding will never take place. Superstition also makes it very gloomy for the couple should they drop the wedding ring during the wedding ceremony. If the bride or groom drops the ring during the wedding ceremony, whoever drops it will die first. Should the wedding ring roll off the altar steps, the marriage would come to an abrupt end. If the wedding ring breaks, the marriage would come to an end through the loss of a husband. Never wear your wedding ring before your wedding ceremony as this would bring bad luck. And never take off your wedding ring after it has been slipped on your finger as this would also bring bad luck.

Like humans, ghosts also want to get married. The Chinese ghost marriage in which one or both parties have died, is a 3000-year-old tradition and is still practised in rural China. This kind of marriage is arranged by the family of the deceased as it is believed that a single man who dies will give his family members problems unless they find him a wife. Therefore, if the deceased did not get married when they were alive, they would have to get married after their death. If a living girl marries a dead man, which normally happens if the groom's family is super rich, she will live a chaste life and become the caregiver of the family. A ghost marriage is very similar to a normal marriage as it observes many of the typical marriage ceremony and rites but since one or more parties are dead, the deceased are represented by paper effigies (over a bamboo frame) wearing wedding clothes. Their wedding chamber is decorated with paper effigies of the furniture that they need to use in their new home such as a dressing table, bed, refrigerator, television, computer, table, chairs, mobile phones, and even paper servants. The deceased are treated as though they are alive as they participate in the proceedings. Once the wedding ceremony has been completed, the paper effigies are burnt so that these could be sent to another world. It is believed that these afterlife marriages would enable the deceased to live a happy married life in their new world - a happily ever afterlife. It should be noted that China is not the only country practising ghost marriage as other countries such as France, India, and Sudan also have their own forms of ghost marriage.

Thanks for reading. You may also like to read Is Marriage Really Necessary and Important in Today's World? and How Long Should a Widower Wait to Remarry After the Death of His Wife? To view the content page of this blog, please click here.


Reference:
1.  SUPERSTITIONS BY PETER HAINING. TREASURE PRESS.

LOVE SCAMS: DEALING WITH PAIN AND ANGER

In my previous articles entitled FACEBOOK CASANOVAS WANTED TO CON MY DEAD MOTHER  and VICTIMS OF FACEBOOK LOVE SCAMS , I focused on how women were conned by their Facebook lovers despite the fact that the same tactics have been used again and again by these Facebook Scammers. Needless to say, being cheated of their love and having lost their life savings can be very upsetting and distressful. If you have experienced what these victims have gone through and find that you are having trouble coping, sleeping, eating, working, and moving on, do seek professional help. Whatever the situation may be, suicide is not the answer. If you do have suicidal thoughts, please seek the help of a qualified psychiatrist. There are also people out there who can help you even though you may not know who they are. You can try calling the Befrienders or other women groups who can give you the help you need.

Instead of indulging in self-pity, there are many things that you can do to relieve your emotional pain and sufferings. Why not try out the suggestions below and see if these could work for you.



EAT, DRINK, AND BE MERRY
A man had no better thing under the sun, than to eat, and to drink, and to be merry: for that shall abide with him of his labor the days of his life, which God giveth him under the sun (Ecclesiastes 8:15). If you are going through a difficult crisis in your life, why not eat and drink to your heart's content and be merry? However, it should be noted that this is only a temporary measure as I'm sure you do not want to be overweight. If you cannot drink alcohol, replace it with fruit juice which is more nutritious. Whatever the situation may be, enjoy your life and be happy.


SURROUND YOURSELF WITH BRIGHT COLORS
Studies have indicated that your emotions, moods, and feelings are affected by certain colors. Colors play a key role in stimulating your visual systems, which, in turn, stimulate the brain's pleasure center and this can have an uplifting effect on your emotional states and moods. Since the color of your clothes can change the way you feel about yourself, go for clothing with brighter hues from turquoise to fuchsia to red to emerald green to royal blue.  The same applies to your home. Simply making some small changes to your living environment with a quick, colorful pick-me-up will reboot your life. You will feel like living in a new home as though you are starting all over again with new energy.


GOSSIP, CELEBRITY, AND FASHION MAGAZINES WOULD BE VERY COMFORTING
There is nothing like reading about victims of love scam who have suffered greater financial loss than you did. This is called schadenfreude, a term that describes how you derive pleasure from others' misfortune because it helps you feel better about your own misfortune. For instance, reading about a celebrity who has been dumped by her boyfriend can give you a sense of pleasure or self-satisfaction because it makes you feel good about yourself. Fashion magazines also help since looking at the fashions of the celebrities and models can help to inspire and motivate you. Seeing a celebrity or model with a new haircut may be a catalyst for you to change your hairstyle and this, in turn, may enable you to update your look and hence feel more confident with yourself.


DO ARTY AND CRAFTY THINGS WITH YOUR HANDS
One of the most popular therapeutic techniques to fight depression and improve mental health is arts and crafts therapy. Studies have shown that doing something with your hands can help to reduce anxiety, lift your moods, and  raise your spirits. These, in turn, can enhance your self-esteem. Why not sew a new dress, bake a cake, paint a picture, or play the guitar? Whilst you are busy with these activities, your mind will focus on the more positive things in your life and you will forget about your misfortune.


HANG OUT WITH LIVING THINGS
Getting out is important because you'll see that life goes on no matter what happens on earth. Go shopping, attend women's support group, eat together with family and friends. Contact your old schoolmates and friends  and go for reunions. Or you can make new friends by joining local groups. If you are lonely, you can participate in some kind of voluntary work. Also, consider adopting a pet  and starting a garden. As you work on finding your life direction, you'll experience lots of happiness along your way.


DO SOMETHING YOU'VE NEVER DONE BUT ALWAYS WANTED TO DO
Try foods you have never eaten before (such as rabbit satay and 'frog on a stick') and learn something new (such as picking up a foreign language or taking singing /dancing lessons). In doing so, you may get to meet new friends, and who knows, you may meet your Mr. Right along the way. If you have the funds, you can also travel and explore the world to broaden your horizons.


LAUGH EVERY DAY FOR THE HEALTH OF IT
In his scientific research, psychologist Norman Cousins has proven that "laughter is the best medicine." He was able to ameliorate his debilitating illness by watching comedies and laughing every day. He applied the same techniques on his patients who became less depressed and had the ability to recover from many of their illnesses. Watching a comedy, reading comics and humor books can make you feel good. Even a phony smile can work wonders for you. So, if you really don't like to smile, just place your lips in a smiling position and you will find that you actually feel happier. Why not try to smile several times a day and put yourself in a better mood?


COUNTING YOUR BLESSINGS WILL MAKE YOU HAPPIER
Studies have shown that those who practise grateful thinking have fewer illnesses, feel better about themselves, happier, healthier, and are more optimistic about their lives. How do you practise gratitude? Write a list of things that you feel grateful in your life and make an effort to appreciate them. Reflect upon and express gratitude for these things every day when you wake up in the morning, at midday, and before you go to bed at night. Thank God for what you have received in life. You will feel better if you count your joys more than your troubles.


For further reading, please refer to Toxic Men: 10 Ways to Identify, Deal with, and Heal from the Men Who Make Your Life Miserable by Lillian Glass (below).

Toxic Men by Lillian Glass

REFERENCES
1.  The Bible: Authorized King James Version with Apocrypha. Oxford University Press.
2.  Glass, Lillian. (2010). Toxic Men. MA: Adams Media.

VICTIMS OF FACEBOOK LOVE SCAMS

Love scammers break your heart and steal your money

My article entitled FACEBOOK CASANOVAS WANTED TO CON MY DEAD MOTHER  has clearly indicated how persistent these Facebook Casanovas are in pursuing their victims to the extent that they would create countless Facebook accounts just to con their targeted victims. The tactics they use are almost the same but women still fall for them. Many are willing to give away their hard-earned money because they are in love and love conquers everything. The tactics used by the scammers are more or less the same and these are summarized below:

Step 1: Steal photos from other Facebook members and set up a fake Facebook account.
Step 2: Search Facebook to find their victims - mainly single women, widows, and divorcees in the hope that they would make big bucks out of them. Sometimes, even married women and senior citizens are not spared.
Step 3: After finding their victims, they would try to seduce them with sweet talks and false promises of a blissful marriage life knowing very well what women like to hear.
Step 4: Once they have gained their victims' trust, this is when they start asking for money. Some would create a heart wrenching story whilst others would pretend to send their victims some kind of luxurious present which requires these poor women to make payments into certain bank accounts before the "luxurious present" could reach them.
Step 5: Once the Facebook Casanovas got what they want, they would disappear leaving their victims much poorer than before and with a broken heart. The odds of recovering the money are very low and they would have to struggle to survive this 'double tragedy'.

Women, irrespective of whether they are married or not, are looking for great love. One of my friends, a mother of three who was having problems with her husband, has also been targeted by a Facebook Casanova. Her whole world seemed to have brightened up during his courting phase as she thought that her Mr. Right has finally appeared and it did not matter whether her husband still cared for her. She told me that her Facebook Casanova called her every single day (7-8 times per day) because he wanted to listen to her sweet voice and when he didn't get to talk to her for just one day, he was really sad and scolded her for not talking to him saying that he missed her very much. He also showered her with lots of praises and sweet love messages. Sounds really romantic, doesn't he? Finally, their courting phase developed into the "money transfer phase" when he said that he would send her a watch, money, and jewelry. My friend was really delighted but when she received a call from a woman telling her to pay RM1000 for the postage charged by the Malaysian Government before the parcel could be delivered to her, she was very disappointed. Not that she did not want the presents but she has always been extremely frugal with her expenditures and whenever it comes to parting with her money, she would think of her children first. Guess what she said to her Facebook Casanova when he asked her to pay up? She said, "If I don't have to pay a single sen, then I would love to have the presents but since I have to pay so much for it,  I had rather not have them. If you can afford to give me those expensive presents, why can't you pay for the postage as well? You can take back your presents." She became immediately suspicious of the situation - it was at that instant that she began to realize that her "Facebook lover" might be trying to con her and broke up with him immediately. But others may not be as lucky as her and ended up parting with their life savings and being heavily in debt as clearly indicated in the following cases.


Case 1: Woman loses RM1.6 million in 'love scam'
A 62-year-old Shah Alam transport company manager lost RM1.6 million after falling victim to a love scam syndicate led by Africans. The woman claimed that she had a close relationship with a man who claimed to be an American via Facebook. Over the course of six months, the man claimed to have suffered losses in his business endeavors and asked the woman to help him by transferring funds into several accounts. He later told her that his friend ‘Calvin’ had been arrested by the Malaysian Customs officials with a large sum of money intended for her and asked the woman to make payments to the Customs so that his friend and the seized money can be released (click here to read the full story dated 22 April 2019).


Case 2: Clerk loses RM128,300 in Facebook love scam
In May 2018, a clerk in Kuantan lost RM128,300 in a Facebook love scam. The 20-year-old woman got acquainted with a man, purportedly from the United States, via Facebook in April 2018. The man wanted to give her presents such as dresses, shoes, handbags, white gold, perfume, an iPad, an iPhone, a bracelet, a wristwatch, gold jewellery and foreign currency of US$28,000 (RM111,860) which were supposedly sent to her on 8 May 2018. On 11 May 2018, the woman received a call from a 'Customs official' who asked her to pay a tax of RM4,800 for the 'presents'. After having made the first payment, the woman was required to make two more payments of RM18,500 and RM49,000, purportedly for charges on the foreign currency and jewellery. On 14 May 2018, the woman received another call from the man asking for RM125,000 as delivery charges for the 'presents'.  After the woman made more than 10 payments involving a total of RM128,300, the man further asked her to deposit a certain amount of money into his account. The woman suspected that she had been scammed and lodged a police report (click here to read the full story dated 14 June 2018). 

Case 3: Clerk loses RM13,300 in social media platform love scam
A  33-year-old clerk in Sibu who claimed to have lost RM13,300 in a Facebook love scam lodged a police report on 21 June 2019. She met a man known as James Hong via Facebook on 13 June 2019. On 15 June 2019, Hong sent her a message that he would deliver a big package to her as a gift. On 18 June 2019, she received a message from Hong telling her that he has been arrested at Kuala Lumpur International Airport because of the size of the package. Hong asked her to pay the RM4,300 import duty so that he could be released. She made two payments of RM1,000 and RM1,800 into an account purportedly under the name ‘Noorhamiza Hamadi’. On 19 June 2019, the woman received another message from Hong, telling her the package contained US$20,000 and she had to make a payment of RM10,500 to the `United Nations Anti-Terrorist Department’ before the fund could be released. She made the payment into the same account. However, she felt suspicious when Hong continued to ask her for more money (click here to read the full story dated 22 June 2019).


Case 4: Woman loses RM41,400 to FB lover
In November 2018, a businesswoman in Kuantan lost RM41,400 after she was conned by a man she met on Facebook. The man, who claimed to be a doctor working in Syria, identified himself as Haruna Mohammed, 57. He told the woman that he would be returning to Malaysia to retire and asked her to keep his pension amounting to USD50,000 which would be sent to her by post. Some time later, the woman received a call from a courier company asking her to make payments for various processes before the pension money could be delivered to her. The woman transferred the money which amounted to RM41,400 in 10 transactions into three accounts from 11 - 22 February 2019. When she did not receive the pension money supposedly sent to her, she became suspicious and lodged a report (click here to read the full story dated 6 March 2019).


Case 5: Penangite transfers RM280k to online stranger; realises she was conned after 9th payment
A 56-year-old housewife from Balik Pulau lost RM280,000 to a Love Scam syndicate when she transferred the money in stages between October 2018 and 17 January 2019. In August 2018, the woman met a man on Facebook who identified himself as Edin Teyul from London. Their relationship flourished and it did not take long before they contacted each other via WhatsApp. The man told her that he was going to Singapore for a business meeting. On his way there, he claimed that he had been detained by Immigration officials for bringing in cash and gold bars beyond the permissible limits and had to borrow US$3,000 from the victim to solve his problem. On 11 Oct 2018, the victim transferred RM3,000 into the AmBank account provided by the suspect, supposedly for the preparation of new documents for Edin Teyul. On 1 Nov 2018, the victim transferred another RM130,000 to the same account, as two per cent payment to Immigration officials in Miri, for the amount of cash and gold bars that the man brought with him. The man kept asking for more money and the victim transferred RM4,000, RM6,000 and RM10,000 into the same account on three separate occasions. On Monday (14/1/2019), the victim transferred RM42,000, on Tuesday (15/1/2019), RM30,000, and the last payment was RM55,000 (17/1/2019). When the man continued to ask for more money after she had transferred RM280,000 to him, the victim became suspicious and lodged a police report (click here to read the full story dated 18 January 2019).

Case 6 - Woman scammed of RM53,600 after helping detained online 'friend'
A 25-year-old female auditor in Sibu lost RM53,600 in a scam after she was cheated by her online friend. On 11 Feb 2019, the victim met a man who identified himself as Fred Hutton on Facebook. One month later, the man told her that he wanted to meet her and her family. However, she was not keen to meet him as they were merely friends. On 11 Mac 2019,  the victim received a phone call from a woman named 'Lenni' who claimed to be a KLIA customs officer. Lenni told the victim that Fred had been detained in the airport for bringing in £25,000 (RM135,000) and jewellery. Fearing that action would be taken against Fred, the victim transferred US$6,000 (RM24,300) into an account given by Lenni in four transactions. The next day, Lenni called the victim again saying that more money was needed for the release of Fred. The vivtim then made a further transfer of US$7,250 (RM29,300). When she received another call from Lenni asking for more money saying that Fred had been beaten up and was injured, she had no more money to send and grew suspicious (click here to read the full story dated 14 March 2019).

Case 7: Labuan woman loses RM376,100 to online 'lover'
A 39-year-old academician in Labuan lost her life savings of RM376,100 to her Facebook "lover" whom she had only known for a month. The man who claimed to be a pilot from Canada offered to give her USD500, perfume, jewelries and other luxury items. Some time later, he called her telling her that the gifts had arrived but were being held by the Malaysian Royal Customs Department because of the undeclared USD500 currency and jewelries. The man told his victim that she had to settle the customs' duties by transferring money into several different accounts before she could claim the money and the luxury items. After making all the payments, the man threatened his victim not to disclose the matter to anyone, or she would be arrested for her involvement in money laundering (Click here to read the full story dated 1 Nov 2018).

Case 8: Banker duped out of 12,580 in African scam
A 31-year-old bank officer in Kepala Batas claimed she lost RM12,580 to a man she met on Facebook in an African scam. The victim befriended the man who claimed to be a Malaysian citizen working as a pilot in Poland in early September 2019. He then told her  that he has sent her a valuable gift through a courier service. The next day, the victim received a phone call from a person who claimed to be  a courier service agent telling her that the gift had arrived and that she had to make payments for shipping and other fees for the item to be delivered. The victim transferred RM12,850 into a bank account given by the courier agent through several transactions from Sept 19 to Sept 23 (click here to read the full story dated 25 Sept 2019).

Case 9: Woman conned by online 'boyfriends'
A businesswoman in her 50s ended up being conned of RM800,000 within a month by her two online boyfriends. The single woman from Johor Bahru  befriended the men via Facebook who claimed to be from overseas. The men began professing their love for her within a month after she got to know them. One of them promised to give her US$1mil (RM4mil). The other  one said that he would be sending her gifts. The victim then started getting calls supposedly from courier companies requesting her to make payments for licences, taxes and immigration clearance. Throughout that month, the victim transferred money to about 12 individual accounts, banking in amounts ranging from RM3,000 to more than RM100,000, in the belief that she could get hold of the money and gifts sent by her Facebook lovers. The victim only realised that she had been conned after requests came in for a larger amount of money. She also started getting threats when she failed to make the payments (click here to read the full story dated 9 October 2019).


Case 10: Jobless Johor woman loses RM380k in love scam
A 50-year-old unemployed woman lost RM380,000 over a one year period after befriending a man who claimed to live in the United States. The victim said she befriended the man, who identified himself as Kenneth Cheung, on Facebook in October 2018. Several weeks later, Kenneth told her that he wanted to send her gifts in the form of jewellery, watches, lingerie and handphones worth RM800 million. The victim was then contacted by a man claiming to be a customs officer who told her that the items had been confiscated and Kenneth had been arrested by the Immigration Department. The "customs officer" also said that she had to make a series of payments if she wanted to release the items and free Kenneth. In December 2018, the victim lodged a police report because she did not get the items after having made the payments. However, the victim still believed that Kenneth did not lie to her and that it was the “customs officer” who cheated her as he continued to demand payments from her. Over a one year period, the victim transferred RM380,000 into numerous bank accounts as demanded by the "customs officer". She even sold her house in Masai for RM230,000 and borrowed money from her family members to make the payments (please click here to read the full story dated 10 December 2019).

The above cases happened recently in Malaysia (from June 2018 to December 2019) and are just several examples of how easily women can be conned by their Facebook lovers despite the fact that the same tactics has been used over and over again throughout the years by the Facebook romance scammers. Perhaps they should follow my friend's example (above) and say "If I don't have to pay a single sen, then I would love to have the presents but since I have to pay so much for it,  I had rather not have it. If you can afford to give me those expensive presents, why can't you pay for the postage as well? You can take back your presents." Can you imagine how these Facebook scammers would feel if you ask them to take back their presents? Instead of being scammed and ended up with a broken heart, why not pretend to be in love with these romance scammers and tell them to take back their presents when they start to ask for payments? It's really going to be fun! At the same time, you can also lodge a police report to save other women from falling into their trap (You may also like to read LOVE SCAMS: DEALING WITH PAIN AND ANGER and Is Marriage Really Necessary and Important in Today's World?). 

To view the contents page of this blog, please click here. For further reading, you can refer to Jan Marshall's Romance Scam Survivor: The Whole Sordid Story. Why would you give money to someone you've never met? You can find the answer in this book.