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Saturday, November 28, 2020

Is Marriage Really Necessary and Important in Today's World?

One of Geraldine's retired teacher friends was nearly scammed by an unemployed young Nigerian who claimed to to be a Finnish engineer.

One of my former colleagues, Geraldine, always calls me to complain about 3 of her friends, 2 retired teachers and a divorced former librarian, who are already in their 60s and 70s, but still desperately looking for love in the wrong places. She cannot understand why these women are still so desperate for a man when they are already in their twilight years and should be living peacefully. The retired teachers nearly got scammed but their stinginess saved them. However, they have not learnt their lessons yet and are still busy looking for love everywhere. As for the divorced librarian, she still goes around looking for a man like an obsessed teenager. She even shook her breasts in front of the guys and talked to them in a seductive voice in the express bus - that reminds me of the girls in my school bus during my school days but they were only teenagers then. Does a woman in her 70s still have the mentality of a teenager? I don't understand these women either as I can only think of my long dead grandmother each time Geraldine calls to tell me about her desperate friends. When my grandmother was in her 60s, she was busy taking care of her grandchildren, sewing, washing, and cooking for all us even though my grandfather was no longer around. She had never spent a second of her life looking for love in the wrong places during her twilight years and I really can't imagine her doing that. If my grandmother were to look for a boyfriend, my cousins and I would surely laugh till our stomachs ache. 

Geraldine's 72-year-old friend shook her breasts in front of the guys in the express bus when they were going on a trip.

The case of a 67-year-old grandmother, Jette Jacobs, from Australia, who was murdered when she travelled to South Africa to meet her Nigerian lover, 28-year-old Jesse Omokoh, whom she met online, clearly showed that even our seniors are very vulnerable to romance scams. This Australian grandmother had sent more than $100,000 to her Nigerian lover who proposed to her before her trip. Then there was the case of another Australian grandmother, 54-year-old Maria Elvira Pinto Exposto, who was duped into drug trafficking after falling for an internet romance scam. The recent case (dated 23 August 2020) of a 68-year-old widow in Johor who lost RM257,172 to an online love scam syndicate after her so-called lover promised to marry her is another example of how desperate a woman can be when it comes to love. Women are most dangerous to themselves when they are desperate to be loved (Vanessa PA Evelyn). These cases can happen again and again unless they can understand that life is not just about marriage and learn how to make the most out of their lives instead of wasting their time seeking men. 

Geraldine's former colleague, a 67-year-old divorced teacher, signed up with online dating. Her 60-year-old friend, a retired teacher from Penang, nearly got scammed by a young Nigerian guy.

And the quest for love goes on. Despite the many romance scams making use of the same tricks over and over again throughout the decades, many women are still falling for this type of scams. Even teachers who are supposed to set good examples for their students are not exempted as they are ready to make unconditional sacrifices when it comes to love because love conquers everything. In a case dated 12 April 2020, a 42-year-old teacher from Pahang lost RM100,000 in an online romance scam despite travel restrictions during the movement control order (MCO). What made her believe that her lover from Indonesia could enter Malaysia to meet her in Kuala Lumpur during the MCO? The answer is - love is really blind. In another case dated 19 May 2020, a teacher in her 40s from Sibu, lost RM4000 to one Jeffrey Ben Mayne who claimed to be a London architect. He had promised to marry her in Malaysia. In a more recent case dated 11 July 2020, a 37-year-old teacher from Kepala Batas, lost RM112,000 to a love scam syndicate after falling in love with a man who claimed to be a US soldier. He had promised to come to Malaysia and marry her but he never did (You can click here to read more about the victims of Facebook love scams). 

A piece of good advice from Geraldine, "Better be a spinster than to be scammed of all our money. No need to be desperate. No need to go online or chase / seduce men, young or old. We must have our dignity."

If grandmothers and teachers are desperately seeking love, what about our young girls? On 18 July 2020, a 16-year-old girl from Ipoh threw her newborn baby, with his umbilical cord attached, from her 2nd. floor bedroom window. On 16 July 2020, a teenage college student from George Town was charged with murdering her newborn baby. She threw her baby from her 13th. floor apartment unit. On 13 May 2020, an 18-year-old shop assistant from Bayan Lepas threw her newborn baby girl from her 4th. floor flat unit. Her baby was lucky enough to survive the incident. Giving birth secretly at home, these unwed mothers had no choice but to throw their newborn babies away. Is this what we call the price of love? What is love? Irresponsible sex? It is very obvious that when these girls fell in love, they did not think of the consequences. Once, a 15-year-old student came to see me. She said that she was very sad because all her friends had boyfriends but she could not find one. Although I advised her to study first and get a boyfriend after she has completed her studies, I could feel that she would not listen to me.

During the early days of my teaching career, I met one of my friends at Kota Raya Complex on a Saturday night when I was doing my shopping alone. I always enjoy shopping alone because there is no need to rush and I can go anywhere I want. If there is someone with me, I would normally end up not buying anything at all. When this friend saw me shopping alone, she shouted in such a way that could make anyone feel guilty. Here it goes: "Aiyah... Are you sure you are alone here? Don't you know that today is Saturday? How can you be alone on a Saturday night? Well, for this kind of woman who does not want to be seen without a man on a Saturday night, her husband and children are her entire world and her only life purpose. The problem is, if her husband leaves her or dies, her whole world comes crumbling down because she cannot live without a man. To fill the vacuum in her life, she would desperately look for love everywhere and become an easy target for romance scammers. The reality is, love scammers know very well what women want and how desperate they are - that is why they are doing a lucrative business.

Is marriage so important that one cannot live without it? Does happiness mean carrying a child in your arms, playing with your children, holding hands with your husband when you go shopping, cooking and washing for your husband and children, going on family outings, sex, and kisses? Most women, irrespective of their age, love doing these things because their entire world is made up of their husband and children. But, I don't think I would enjoy doing these things at all, not even a bit. Why? Looking at my friends' rebellious teenage children, I feel thankful that I don't have to raise one. I would be really furious if I have a teenage son who keeps asking me for money to spend on his girlfriend and loses his temper when I refuse to give him the money he asks for. When I go shopping, I don't like people to pressure me to hurry and certainly feel more comfortable when I am alone. Although I am a good cook, I only cook one dish per meal, sit on the sofa in front of the TV and eat direct from the wok. No rice for me, of course, because one dish is enough. The advantage is - there is no need to cook so much and wash so much because I really hate to wash the pots and pans, plates and bowls. Talking about washing clothes, once a week is more than enough for me. The problem with me is - I can only wash my own clothes because I would feel like vomiting if I wash other people's clothes. What about family outings? I always have lot of things to do that I would be very thankful if I could find some time to be alone on the beach or in the parks with my own thoughts. And of course, sex and kisses are totally out of the question because I don't like people to touch me. Do I sound like a spoilt child? Well, I would rather be a spoilt child than a distressed and pitiful wife. Since I am so used to my carefree, worry-free, and burdenless lifestyle and am living my life to the fullest, I really cannot feel the importance of marriage. Getting married may not be a good thing for me after all because it will take away my freedom and perhaps turn me into a sulky, depressed and angry wife.

When I was just a little girl, I used to ask my mother why she got married and her answer was - she wanted someone to look after her when she grew old. That is probably one of the major reasons why people get married but the question is - how many children will actually look after their elderly parents? My grand aunt lived alone in a bungalow and died in a nursing home because none of her 4 children wanted to live with her. Although my mom's best friend has 2 children (a son and a daughter), she is also living alone because her daughter married an Australian and her daughter-in-law cannot get along with her. Her husband has already passed away many years ago leaving a lot of money in the bank for her. I can only hope that she would not be a victim of romance scammers. Well, it seems that my mother has given me a very bad answer because getting married does not guarantee that one will not be alone during the twilight years.

Getting married also does not mean that one will live happily ever after because divorce and extramarital affairs are extremely common nowadays. Suffering in silence while your husband is having an affair and raising the children alone after a painful divorce are certainly not enjoyable. Should these things happen in one's life, isn't it better not to get married at all? As for me, I choose not to take any risks because I am having a wonderful time now and I don't want things to change for the worse. Simple things like shopping for Christmas and New Year, buyng myself a present, cooking a nice dish for myself, eatings longans while watching TV, going for a walk in the park, watching my favorite movies and TVB dramas, lying on my bed and reading my favorite books, listening to my favorite songs, and going for photography can make me very happy because I know how to value life. So, why bring a man into my world to destroy me when I am living a blissful life? Frankly speaking, even if I were given a husband now, I really don't know what to do with him!

Well, I am not writing this article to discourage marriage. To those who have found their soulmate and are leading a happy family life, I would say that it is good for them. As for those who are still single, divorced, or widowed, do not think that it is the end of the world just because you don't have a man and are feeling lonely. Do you know that loneliness is a luxury? Life can be really peaceful when you are living alone. That is when you can find inner peace and discover your true self. Living alone also means that there is no one to make you angry, no worries, no arguments, no insincerity or affectedness, and, most of all, you are free to do whatever you want and this kind of freedom is really amazing. I never like people to disturb me, dirty my house and misplace my things and that is why I feel more comfortable being alone. Boredom has never found its way into my life because I always have lots of things to do. My advice is - when you are living alone, do not sit and mourn the whole day because you cannot find a man or life will be very miserable. Life is too short to be sad or wasted. The most important thing is how to fill your life with meaningful things - these things need not be complicated. Simple luxuries in life like learning how to cook by watching youtube, buying a new TV, decorating your home for Christmas, or waiting for the sunset on the beach are enough to make you feel happy if you know how to appreciate life. These things are certainly more meaningful than going for men hunting and getting into trouble. Having a man by your side does not mean that you will be really happy as he may bring more pain than joy.

To those women who can afford to give away millions to love scammers, don't you think that this amount money can make you very happy if you spend it on yourself? Giving the money away for some loving words which are not true is a sinful waste of money when the money can be used in a more meaningful way. The loving words expressed in broken Nigerian English certainly do not worth a single cent! As for the grandmothers who are desperately looking for love, don't you think that your grandchildren deserve your love and money more than the Nigerian scammers? Why not spend the money on the grandchildren and make them happy? As for the young girls, study first and love later. Do not trust men easily and never let them ruin your life.

Being single and living alone does not mean that there is no life. Believe me, your life can be very interesting if you know how to live wisely and bring meaning to it. How can this be done? Easy. Follow these rules:

Rule 1: Love yourself, don't rely on someone else to do it. Never depend on anyone for your happiness but yourself.
Rule 2: Give yourself the best of everything and make the best of everything. Life is too short to limit yourself.
Rule 3: Live in the moment and cherish every second of the day as it comes. Do not feel sad because God has given you this wonderful life to enjoy yourself. If you spend the days of your life without enjoying yourself, you will regret when you look back at your life.

If you can follow these rules, you have found the key to true and everlasting happiness. These are also my golden rules for eternal happiness, freedom, and inner peace. Looking at myself in the mirror every morning, I feel so proud of myself for being single. Why? I may not be able to maintain my slim figure and youthful looks if I were married because weight gain after childbirth is inevitable. I may not have a Ph.D. if I have a family because there would be no time to focus on my thesis. And who knows, I may have become a bitter single mother and jilted wife today with a sagging figure and gaunt appearance if I have chosen marriage. Oh No! I would rather live to pamper myself every day.

If I were to live my life again, I would still travel the same path that I have traveled all these years. I would still choose to be the pure and perfect bride of Christ because He would not destroy my life or turn me into a bitter, distressed, and pitiful woman. In Him, there is only peace and love. I am very happy because my life has never been contaminated by any man, I am healthy, I have achieved my doctorate degree, and I am free to do whatever I like to do without having to please anyone. And I am glad to say that I am having the time of my life now. Life is short, treasure it, for you will not pass this way again.

You may also like to read Will your husband divorce you and marry his lover?MARRIAGE AFTER 50: WHAT DO YOU NEED TO CONSIDER?How Long Should a Widower Wait to Remarry After the Death of His Wife?, and THE LINES OF MARRIAGE AND HOW THEY AFFECT YOUR LOVE LIFE. To view the content page of this blog, please click here.



Friday, November 6, 2020

Will your husband divorce you and marry his lover?

Third party interference in a marriage is an issue which everyone prefers to ignore in the hope that it is not true and everything will be fine. Many women do not mind suffering in silence because they dare not confront their husbands for fear of losing them. They will rather keep one eye close as long as their husbands know the way home and have no intention to divorce them. This is because divorce can be very painful for a woman especially if she has given herself entirely to her husband and family. 

Although I have never been married before, this does not prevent me from observing what is happening to other people's marriages. As a keen observer, I have come across many marriages that ended on the rocks due to third party interferences. The recent article dated 6 September 2020 entitled "Wanita Sarat Hamil Tanpa Si Suami," Diceraikan Talak 3 Demi Perempuan Lain (Husband Divorced Heavily Pregnant Wife for Another Woman) made me feel sad even though I did not know this woman. The other woman refused to leave her husband no matter what and her husband did not want to wait until the baby is born to divorce her. I hope that she will face the future bravely and find happiness one day. In this article, I would like to share three real life stories about marital infidelity that I have been observing for years, or to be exact, more than 20 years. The descriptions of the main characters in these stories have been slightly modified to conceal their real identities.


Case 1:  Woman struggled to raise her children after being dumped by lover

Shirley used to be a very beautiful girl during her younger days but she was really unlucky to have fallen in love with Nick, a married man with 2 children. Nick told her that he no longer had any feelings for his estranged wife and promised to marry her 'one day' but little did she know that his 'one day' would mean 'never' (even an outsider like me could see that he was only taking advantage of her but at that time she was so blinded by his love that she would listen to no one). Believing that he would marry her one day, Shirley quit her job and went to live with him. She built many wonderful dreams of a blissful marriage life in the air while waiting for him to fulfil his empty promises. For 12 years, she waited for him to divorce his wife and marry her but all he could ever do was to make more empty promises. It seemed that the issue of divorce was entirely out of discussion. Nick was actually enjoying the companionship of both his wife and mistress. Shirley felt cheated but the arrivals of their sons left her without a choice but to continue living with him in the hope that his empty promises would come true one day but they never materialized. It wasn't easy for her to bear the criticisms of her neighbors, relatives, and friends but all she could ever do was to turn a deaf ear to them.

As the years went by, Nick's attitude towards her changed and they began to quarrel. Their heated arguments soon led to a complete estrangement between them. It was only then that Shirley began to realize that he wasn't the man for her and it was meaningless to live with him any longer. She left him and brought her two sons with her. It was not easy for her to start a new career at that age - if she did not quit her job and went to live with Nick, she could have better career prospects today and has probably married a decent man. No doubt, she has learnt a lesson after all but this lesson was far too expensive because she has given up her bright future for a worthless man. However, for the sake of her sons, she must learn to be independent and brave the storm.

On the other hand, Nick's wife has also learnt a very important lesson - keep one eye closed when your husband is fooling around as long as he knows how to come home. Needless to say, she was not happy with the presence of another woman in her husband's life for so many years but her patience and tolerance had helped her to win her husband back without the need of confrontation. Today, she does not have to share her husband with anyone anymore. At his age, Nick is a faithful husband and perfect family man who is enjoying the warmth of family love. Every cloud has a silver lining - it does not matter what her husband did to her anymore because they are going to have a blissful marriage life in the future. After Nick's extramarital affair, he would probably love and cherish his wife even more.


Case 2:  Husband dumped wife for a woman 20 years younger

Not everyone is as lucky as Nick's wife because some men do not know their way home after fooling around and Zoey's husband, Kenny, is such a man. Both Zoey and her husband are successful entrepreneurs and they have 4 children. But, when Zoey first met her husband, he was only a poor man and since she had a rich father, she decided to help him set up his own business. Because of her care and concern for him, they soon fell in love and got married not long after that even though Zoey's parents did not really approve the marriage because they felt that their daughter was too good for her husband.

For 20 years, their marriage was a blissful one as there was no third party interference. But the presence of Selina changed everything. Selina was a young entrepreneur in her 20s who had business dealings with Kenny's company. The bad news for Zoey was these business dealings later transformed into a romantic relationship between Kenny and Selina. At 48, Kenny looked young for his age whilst his wife looked more like his mother.  With 4 grown-up children, he probably wanted to look for some new excitement in his life and since Selina was young and beautiful, he couldn't find any reason why he shouldn't fall in love with her especially when the girl was already showing some interest in him. 

So Kenny divorced his wife and married Selina. Together they started a new family and a very blissful one too. Too bad for Zoey, she still hasn't found her new love today. At her age, the chances of her finding true love are depressingly slim. What was Zoey's greatest mistake? She should have looked for tell-tale signs of her husband's affair before it was too late but she just trusted him too much until the situation got out of hand. Although she did not mind her husband keeping a secret mistress as long as he did not divorce her for the sake of the children, he could not keep his marriage vows anymore because Selina did not want to be his secret mistress. The young and beautiful Selina wanted to be legally married to Kenny and she did not like the idea of sharing her husband with Zoey. 


Case 3:  Husband dumped wife and old lover to marry his new lover

As the third party in an affair, Linda was not as lucky as Selina as her life has been completely destroyed by this affair even though Lucas' wife left him in the end. Linda and Lucas worked in the same company. At the time they first met, Lucas was already married with 2 children. Despite of his affair with Linda, Lucas was still very much in love with his wife and he was a responsible father. However, he kept assuring Linda that he would divorce his wife and marry her and this went on for many years. Known as the 'third party' and marriage wrecker, Linda did not have a very good reputation but she endured all criticisms because of her love for this man. 

Lucas' wife finally couldn't stand her husband anymore and divorced him. She left for another country with their 2 children and since then Lucas has never heard from them again. Linda, who was pregnant, was very happy because Lucas has finally decided to marry her. However, her happiness did not last long because Lucas fell in love with another girl, in her early 20s, while on a business trip abroad. This beautiful young lady was the daughter of a rich man and it seemed that she was the best choice for him at that time. Why? Linda was already in her mid 30s and she was not as rich as this young lady. Could she blame Lucas for dumping her?  What has he done? He only wanted to have the best of everything for himself. When news of his marriage reached Linda, she was so devastated that she had a miscarriage. Today, Linda is still single as she no longer has any confidence in any relationship. 


Conclusion

Based on the cases above, one cannot deny the fact that the secret to get a man hooked is to be his ideal woman and the best among the best. Being a woman is therefore not easy as there is always the possibility that she may have to compete with another woman for her husband's love. And of course her husband will choose the better one between the two of them. In Case 1, Nick did not wish to divorce his wife because there wasn't much difference between his wife and mistress as they belonged to the same kind - both were housewives of around the same age. What's the purpose of getting rid of one woman and then marrying another woman who is more or less similar to the first wife? Isn't it better to enjoy the best of both worlds? As for Case 2, Kenny's decision to leave his wife for a woman 20 years younger may not be unreasonable, or at least that was how he felt. His first wife looked much older than him as she did not age well and was getting old and unattractive. Given a choice, he would surely choose a younger and more beautiful wife. In Case 3, Lucas let his first wife decide what she wanted with their marriage as it was difficult for him to choose between two women of the same kind - both were beautiful career women of about the same age. However, when a much younger, richer, and more beautiful woman came into his life, he realized that she was the one he was looking for and immediately married her. 

As I am writing this article, I couldn't help feeling how fortunate I am because I don't have to compete with other women for a man's love. OMG, that's really stressful. I only want to be myself and live a happy and carefree life doing the things I like to do each day. I don't want to be a jilted wife. I don't want to shed tears for a worthless man. I don't want to be a single mother and bring up the children alone. I only want to enjoy life and be happy. I have always been very happy being single that I don't understand why so many women are hopelessly searching for love. Even single, widowed, and divorced women in their late 60s and 70s are busy seeking love.  Some have fallen in love with romance scammers and lost their life savings in the name of love. One of my former colleagues always calls me to complain about this retired teacher, still single in her 70s, behaving like a teenager who is so obsessed with the opposite sex. And she doesn't know that everyone is laughing at her behind her back!  Is marriage so important that women cannot live without it? Does marriage really bring happiness? Given the fact that divorce and extramarital affairs are so common nowadays, I dare say that life is more meaningful if we live happily for ourselves instead of just living to please a man. I will never let a man walk into my life and make me sad. I will never let my life be contaminated by a worthless man. I only want to be the pure and perfect bride of Christ. 

Divorce brings heartache, pain, and misery - those affected have no choice but to move on. That's life. Of course a better way to look into a relationship is to study the palm as it can foretell the problems in a relationship. A broken marriage line is an indication of divorce or separation due to third party interference. A marriage line which forks at the end is an indication of one's carelessness in the relationship and for being so naive as not to know what is going on in the marriage until everything becomes too late. An island on the marriage line is also a bad omen as it indicates a troubled marriage. Perhaps early problem detection can help to save a marriage.