Every cloud has a silver lining
Time really flies and before I know it, today is already the last day of the year 2020. Many things have happened this year and the saddest thing is, of course, the coronavirus pandemic which has killed 1,803,473 people (as of 30 December 2020) and deprived countless people of their regular income. 2020 is a year of struggles, uncertainty, suffering, and death. Let us pray and hope that the vaccines can do something to save the human race in the coming year so that life can return to normal again for everyone. Irrespective of whether something good or bad has happened this year, life is a journey that must be traveled. "Life moves on and so should we" (Spencer Johnson). Although it is not easy to start a new life during these hard times, leaving the past in the past and moving forward with courage and determination is still the best choice that one could make in the coming New Year. In this article, I would like to share an inspirational poem with my readers entitled Letting Go by an unknown author.
Letting Go
To let go doesn't mean
to stop caring;
It means I can't do it
for someone else.
To let go is
not to cut myself off...
It's the realization that
I can't control another...
To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning
from natural consequences.
To let go is
to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome
is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try
and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another
to be a human being.
To let go is
not to be in the middle
arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others
to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is
not to be protective,
It is to permit
another to face reality.
To let go is
not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is
not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out
my own shortcomings
and correct them.
To let go is
not to adjust everything
to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes
and cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize
and regulate anyone,
but to try to become
what I dream I can be.
To let go is
not to regret the past,
but to grow and
live for the future.
To let go is
to fear less
and to love more.
- Author Unknown
Let us learn from natural consequences, correct our shortcomings, face reality, accept the present, live each day as it comes, cherish every moment of it, and strive to become what we dream we can be. Do not regret the past but grow and live for the future. Below are 5 real life stories of what it means to put the past behind and move forward. The names of the protagonists have been changed and the stories have been modified slightly to conceal their real identities.
Case 1: Taking Refuge in the Past to Escape the Present and the Future Makes Life More Miserable
One of my friends, Patricia, who grew up during the 1970s, is still keeping the old photos of Donny Osmond, David Cassidy, John Denver, Charlie Chin, Chin Han, and Alan Tang. She also has an excellent collection of the songs and movies of that era. Of course, there is nothing wrong with that but the problem with her is she seems to be living in the past and is making use of these things to bring her back to the past. In other words, she seems to be so obsessed with the things of the past that she does not have much interest in the things of the present. Even some of TVB's best dramas of the year such as The Dripping Sauce, Forensic Heroes IV, The Exorcist's Second Meter, On-lie Game, Flying Tigers II and Al Cappuccino do not appeal to her. And she always says that the songs of today are nothing compared to those of the 1970s.
When I asked her why the past is so important to her, she said that there was a certain kind of atmosphere in the past that she cannot find today. The weather, the people, her life, feelings and environment are all so different now and she really yearns for those good old days when the world was a much better place. Sometimes she would go back to the schools that she formerly attended and the places that she used to go during her school days to relive her past experiences. But what I don't understand is how someone who grew up in poverty could miss her childhood days so much? Why is she taking refuge in the past when she is doing quite well now? The answer probably lies in the fact that she misses the people who were so dear to her like her parents and grandparents as they could be the only ones who have ever cared for her but they are all dead now. Now that she has grown older, her life is certainly different from her childhood experiences since her work environment and school environment are altogether two different things. This is probably what she meant when she said that the atmosphere and environment are so different today. Is it because she is afraid to live in the present? Is it because she is worried about the future? Or is it because of loneliness? Would she be happier if she is married as she doesn't seem to be very happy now? "The past is a closed door" (Margaret Atwood) and instead of hiding behind a closed door, perhaps she should live fully in the present and have faith in the future. Holding on to the past would only prevent her from experiencing happiness in the present moment. "In the process of letting go, she will lose many things from the past, but she will find herself" (Deepak Chopra).
When one door closes, another opens;
but we often look so long and so regretfully
upon the closed door that we do not see
the one which has opened for us.
- Alexander Graham Bell
"There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world, it's the beginning of a new life" (Unknown). Letting go of the things and people that we never want to leave behind does not mean forgetting them. Yesterday's beautiful moments are today's beautiful memories. Instead of dwelling in the past, I dare say that a better option for Patricia is to turn those good old days into beautiful memories. Life changes and everything changes with it. Comparing the past with the present cannot help her to build a better life - moving forward is still the best thing to do. "A very wise man once told me that you can't look back - you just have to put the past behind you, and find something better in your future" (Jodi Picoult). How right he is! That is exactly what Patricia should do. I am sure that once she finds something better, she will not be so obsessed with the past anymore. Her life actually isn't that bad as she is financially stable. All she needs to do is to look at the world from a different perspective, accept the present, have faith in the future, and be thankful for what she has. The past is only a memory and being obsessed with it does not lead her anywhere. The present is reality and she has to face it whether she likes it or not. And the future, well, it is in her hands as she is the author of her own story! And I sincerely hope that Patircia will write a beautiful story about her life in the near future.
Case 2: Feeling Bitter Years After a Divorce Can Ruin Your Life
Nancy has been divorced for more than ten years and her children are already attending college. But after so many years, she cannot stop hating her ex-husband as she still feels cheated by him and is very bitter, angry, hurt, depressed, and spiteful about what happened. It was a high conflict divorce and she still finds that she cannot talk to him nicely face to face - they just cannot be friends. She still yearns for the beautiful memories of the marriage life she used to have and has been hunting for a man who can give her back what she has lost. This is a very dangerous thing to do particularly when she is turning to online dating as she may end up being a victim of love scams. However, after years of hunting men, she is still single and that makes her even more depressed and miserable. Whenever she talks about her husband, she will start cursing him and is always telling bad things about him in front of their children. Because she cannot put the past behind her, she has been stuck in the pain of a bad divorce all these years. The choice is hers, of course, as she is the one who decides her path.
Perhaps Nancy should learn to forgive since hating someone is so painful and it only hurts her even more. In learning to forgive, she can break herself free from the emotional pain of divorce and move forward. Moving forward does not mean that she has to go men hunting - maybe she should pay more attention to her children and be a good mother. Instead of losing her temper and scolding her children for nothing because she is always moody and grouchy, she should control her bad moods and emotional outbursts. There is nothing wrong looking for new love but going all the way out to hunt for men is a little bit too much as this kind of behavior can hurt her children. Instead of hunting for men, a better option for her is to become more active in her temple or maybe she can join the YMCA or do some kind of social work and, who knows, she may bump into a good man accidentally. She can also take the opportunity to improve herself and discover her true potentials instead of staring at the ceiling when there is nothing to do as this would only make her feel empty.
Today expect something good to happen to
you no matter what occurred yesterday.
Realize the past no longer holds you captive.
It can only continue to hurt you if you hold
on to it. Let the past go. A simply
abundant world awaits.
- Sarah Breathnach
If Nancy is a wise woman, she should live to prove to her ex-husband that her life is better without him instead of showing him that she is in bad shape without him. Holding on to old grudges all the time and plotting to win him back are meaningless when she sees no chance as it hurts her even more. She should keep and open mind, let go and move on instead of attaching herself to this situation. Whether she is happy or sad, life goes on, so why not choose to be happy? Life would be more meaningful if she focuses on the things that she can change instead of what has already happened. She cannot win her husband back but she can take another direction in life and create a better and happier future for herself and live with dignity and great expectations. "Life moves forward. The old leaves wither, die and fall away, and the new growth extends forward into the light" (Bryant McGill).
Case 3: Lonely Elderly Woman Feels She Has Nothing to Live For
One of my mom's best friends, Margarita, used to have a loving husband and two lovely children. During her younger days, many of her friends were jealous of her because of her good fortune. But now, all those beautiful moments of her life are no more. After her husband died and her children got married, she is left alone in a bungalow. Since her daughter is in Australia, she seldom gets to see her and as she cannot get along with her daughter-in-law, she can only see her son when he visits her during the festive seasons. The last time I visited her, she was weeping because she was very sad and lonely. Her daughter-in-law does not like her husband and children to visit her and has the habit of beating up the children each time after they visit their grandmother. Today, her grandchildren treat her like a complete stranger because they seldom get the chance to meet her.
Margarita said that she was only waiting for death every day because she had nothing to live for. She weeps and mourns for the past because she cannot let go of those good old days when she had everything. Gone are the days when her husband always doted on her foolishly like a slave for he is dead now. Gone are the days when her son always obeyed her because he has married a queen control and dare not disobey his wife. Gone are the days when her daughter was very close to her because she is now married and is living with her family in another country. But does it mean that Margarita has nothing to live for right now? She has a lot of money and a big house - these are great blessings as she does not have to worry about her livelihood. At her age, she is considered healthy as she can still move around. Instead of complaining, perhaps she ought to feel grateful as there are many jobless and homeless people in this world who do not know where their next meal is coming from. The sad truth is, most women are dependent on their husband and children for happiness and once the people who are dearest to them are no longer with them, they don't know what to do.
Incredible change happens in your life
when you decide to take control of what
you do have power over instead of
craving control over what you don't.
- Steve Maraboli
Being old and alone does not mean that there is nothing to live for. Loneliness and sadness should not be a burden to life as one grows older. Margarita can still live a happy and meaningful life if she could change her mindset and attitude. Change is inevitable in life and she has to adapt to this change whether she wants it or not or she will be consumed by it. Since she cannot bring her husband back to life, force her son to dump his wife or her daughter to come home, the only thing she can do is to accept her present life. After all, she wasn't a good daughter-in-law herself and it is probably not wrong to say that she should accept it as her karma. Somewhere in her past she also had trouble getting along with her mother-in-law.
It is not difficult to find happiness alone especially for rich old ladies like Margarita as much would depend on whether she wants to create happiness for herself or not. Instead of weeping and mourning for the past or cursing her daughter-in-law, she can keep herself busy by watching TV, reading, going for a walk in the park, or taking a trip to another city or country. Or perhaps she can join tai chi classes, learn a new language, or play a musical instrument. As she participates in these activities, she also gets the chance to meet people her own age and make new friends. When she sees that her friends are also having problems with their "queen control daughter-in-laws" she may not feel so bitter anymore knowing that she is not suffering alone. As they share stories of their "queen control daughter-in-laws" with each other, they will feel a weight lifted from their shoulders and thus relieve themselves of this burden. It is always never too late to make new friends, learn new things and make good changes in life. As she keeps herself occupied, she will begin to feel that she has a lot of things to look forward to. Needless to say, living a happy and fulfilling life would also mean that she can live longer.
Case 4: The Rape Victims And Their Different Pathways
Caryn and Yuki were colleagues. Both were beautiful young ladies and they were doing very well at work. However, it was how they lived their lives after they were raped which was the deciding factor of their fate. After Caryn was raped twice by people she knew, her mental condition became very unstable as she could not recover from her unwanted sexual encounters. Because of her mood swings, her boyfriend could not tolerate her and left. She lost her job and had to live on charity. She even put on a lot of weight and by the time she was in her 40s, she had a full head of gray hair. Not long after that, she was found dead in her home but police found no evidence of foul play. It seemed that she died naturally just like that. How sad! May her soul rest in eternal peace. Yes, she is now at peace and enjoying herself in heaven.
Caryn, however, was not as unlucky as Yuki even though she was gang raped. She was not ashamed of what happened to her and was ready to face the consequences. She did not brood over her unwanted sexual encounter but left it in the past as she moved forward. She continued to do very well at work and has become a successful businesswoman today. Still beautiful, fit, and youthful today, she is now happily married to her boyfriend of twenty years. I have always admired Caryn because she is the kind of woman who does not give up easily and always puts in a lot of effort to strive for success. She is ambitious, resolute, determined, adamant, and persistent.
Let go, Why do you cling to pain? There
is nothing you can do about the wrongs
of yesterday. It is not yours to judge.
Why hold on to the very thing which
keeps you from hope and love?
- Leo Buscaglia
The difference between Caryn and Yuki is - Caryn could leave the past behind and move forward whilst Yuki could not do so. Yuki's mind focused on her negative experiences in the past and that was why her life was going downhill. Dwelling on her painful memories, she created unnecessary pain and suffering for herself thus giving herself a lot of stress and tension. If only she knows how to replace her painful memories with positive and happy thoughts, her life would be different. Caryn, on the other hand, focuses on living in the present as she loves her life and her job. Although there were some busy bodies who kept discouraging her and reminding her of the past, they failed to stop her from moving forward because she has chosen not to obsess herself with negative thoughts, worries, and fears. Her detachment from the past has therefore made way for a new life, happiness and love. And success comes to her one after another as she continues to dream and work hard for the future. She has clearly proven that although she cannot change the past, she can change the future.
Conclusion
Everyone deserves a happy and fulfilling life. Holding on to the past and refusing to let go would mean that the door to a new life and new opportunities would remain shut. Those who cannot put the past in the past will never be able to enjoy their present because they cannot move forward. To be happy, one has to accept the present circumstances and situation and have faith in the future. For those who are going through a difficult phase of life, do not despair as it will be over before you know it. Every cloud has a silver lining. When life takes someone or something from you, someone or something better will come your way if only you can let go. You will see light at the end of the tunnel so don't lose hope in the midst of despair. But first you have to conquer the darkness with complete faith. Happy New Year 2021!
Thanks for reading. You may also like to read SALUTATION TO THE DAWN, Footprints in the Sand, Is Marriage Really Necessary and Important in Today's World? and How Abraham Lincoln Inspired Me to Pursue My Ph.D.? To view the content page of this blog, please click here.
